Pre adulthood confidences, last day as a teen ...

Last day as a teen.

It doesn't really mean anything, but if we think about it, it does.

I am turning 20 years old tomorrow. People always talk about 21 being the big number, but if you're not living in the USA 21years old isn't such a big deal cause you have probably been drinking and clubbing for a few years now.

20 years old, it's not such a big step in your life. Nothing really is suppose to change when you turn 20. Turning 20 is more like the end of a phase, I guess.

It is the end of your teen years.

I still remember when I became a teenager, at 12 or 13 years old.

Freshly off the boat from Belgium, it doesn't seem so long ago, 2004/2005.

But when I really think about it, it was like millions of years ago.

Another time, another life. Back when I was in high school, in Madagascar just starting to get my life together.

I remember I thought this is what life was going to be for the next 5 or 8 years.

It all made sense and I wanted it to stay that way, for as long as possible.

Life could only get better from there. The blue skies and shiny days made me sure of it.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

And suddenly it stopped, I had to move. To a new school, a new place, a new country, to a new life.

Life as I knew it was over, I saw all that I've had and all that I was hoping for collapse in front of my eyes. Collapse like a beautiful cards castle that your cat accidentally bumped into.

And boom, all gone. Right before you could take a picture of it, so your mind will remember it but your reason will always make you doubt yourself. Did it really exist or was I just dreaming.

14 years old Mozambique, a new school, a new place, a new country, a new life.

It was so different. I tried to stay who I was but slowly I lost the idea of who I was, I lost the idea of who I wanted to be, who I should be.

If you can't change the things around you,. Change yourself.

So I repressed all of my teenager's feelings, for a little while, for a few years.

Life was livable, life was okay, life became kind of good.

There was good, even great moments, but life in general was only kind of good. So I settled for that.

I tricked my mind into thinking that was true happiness. That this is how life was going to be and that I was fine with it. But I wasn't.

I was dreaming and hoping for something more.

Freud said that unexpressed emotions never dies, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.

And they came back, those teenager's feelings that I've tried so hard to repressed.

They came back in uglier ways, slowly but surely punching me in the face, one after the other.

And I did what could be consider as mistakes, but I have learn so much from them that I am glad I did a few more and I am still doing them, cause life is about what you experience.

To be completely honest, it is the things that could have been a mistake that I didn't do that I regret the most. Cause I will never know if they were really mistakes.

2010, graduated from high school I was ready to live life, my mind was hungry for adventures.

But I had to put my life on hold, for a little while. I had to press the pause button and keep all of my feelings trapped inside of my body. All imprison in me, waiting to be free.

So when the time arrived to let them run freely, my cage just exploded.

They were all over the place, I was all over the place. But I was so happy.

2011, Rhodes University South Africa.

A new place, a new country, a new life. And what a place, what a country, what a life.

It is true, I had no intention in living there and I had no intention of loving it.

But I did, a damn the ride I had. This was the life my mind was waiting for.

I didn't know it before but I had been waiting for South Africa for a very long time.

And when it happened it wasn't all perfect but man it was so close to what I had always wanted that demanding perfection just seemed a bit silly.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, a few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

Life was so good all I could do was tilt my head back and laugh at the sky.

Not only life was better, but so was I. Not the kind of better than you can see or measure, just something that only I could feel deep in my bones.

And when I came back home for the holidays I could really feel it, the difference inside.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. And yes it felt good.

And suddenly it was there again. Bad luck, hitting my life like a big pizza pie and trust me it wasn't love.

I can still see Life and Bad Luck laughing while I was being sucked in by a black hole.

And right before I let myself be trapped by insanity I remembered something, 'Tough times don't last but tough people do, fuck your past but don't let it fucks you' (Monastry's bathroom).

So I did the only thing I could do, I pressed pause on my life again and waited for better days.

But this time I didn't imprison my feelings, I spit them on a page of an old notebook and got rid of them forever. (almost)

And for those few months I was fine (barely), gladly numb.

Now I am in a small city of Eastern Germany, where I would have never imagine myself to be in a million years.

Trying to make this place my home and trying hard to get use to the weather.

20 years old minus one day, freshly off of the boat (again), weird, annoying, sometimes doing things I shouldn't, raising my hypothetical glass of wine to new beginnings and the possibilities they bring.

Actually if I have to be totally honest, I could use another few years of acting like a teenager … :)

That Adele kinda feeling ...

It is strange, this feeling i have.

I haven’t seen his face in a while and still it upsets me. Just the thought of it, of him.

His face, his smile, his lips, his lies, his lust like a devil in my hands.

Everything about him is just so repulsive and yet so attractive.

It is strange, this feeling I’m having right now.

I hate him, no I hate it. The feeling.

And I can’t help but wonder why do I care so much, when he never did.

I have never been the kind of person to catch feelings.

I am usually very healthy and do my best not to get nasty diseases.

But I guess he showed up at a time when my heart was weak.

At a time when my heart had just finished a battle with another disease and he took over.

He didn’t even had to fight so hard, my army was already so weak from the previous war it had fought.

He took over, in my mind, my body and my heart.

Just like malaria sneaks its way in your body after a bad food poisoning.

It is strange what I am feeling right now.

I am usually not the type to let myself go and if I do I don’t let it show.

I stay calm, placid, senseless, knowing that the disease will simply go away.

But this time I was weak, my immune system let me down, I fell, I crashed but I don’t have time to be hurt.

I don’t have time to feel the pain. Not the time nor the strength. So I hate him instead.

Because hate, I think, is better than pain because hate is stronger than love.

This feeling is I must say is very strange.

Because I have felt, for him, what I have felt many times for others. 

But never, with any of them, have I felt this way afterwards. And if I had it was never this long and never this strong.

It is strange because I have all those feelings, all those thoughts that are real, strong and unspoken.

And yet, we were never. You didn’t betray me, but you betray the character I made up in my head.

I imagined you sure so pure, so vain with so much hidden pain, so romantic, poetic, so beautifully mine.

And yet, we were never.

This is why my dear, the feeling that I have right now is indeed very strange because I hate you for everything that you were in my dreams and cannot be in real life.

For that I guess, I should apologise to you my dear.

“And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love”

Melt my Heart to Stone - Adele

The Germany Experience (Munich, Bavaria)

• If you don't know what's happening drink some beer.
  
  
• If you're bored drink some more beer.
  
  
• If you're still bored there's Jagermeister and Vodka !
  
  
• No matter how bored you are DO NOT mix cheap Wine & Korn (looks like vodka but taste WAY WORST) [Listen Learned]
  
  
• In Germany you take White Tequila with salt and lemon like everyone BUT you take Gold Tequila with Orange and Cinnamon [they are weird,. I know]
  
  
• If you're lost ask someone in the street, everyone is somehow super nice and they will help you. They might even walk you half way to your destination if they can. Don't worry if you don't speak German almost everyone speak English, maybe ask young adults to be sure.
  
  
• Try every as many different kind of beer as you can, I mean you're in Germany you should know your shizz. [My advice, Wiessbier or Altbowler, both sweet beers. YUMMY]

• If you're a gay hag like me and go for a Queer night out. Even if you don't know anyone, gays are cray in a good way you'll have a great time. And some tipsy gay just may buy you a drink ! [If in Munich, Queer Sunday at Cafe am Haus is the way] ;)

• In almost every country I've been to you must (for some reason) hide your alcohol in bags, fruit bottles or just drink inside. No in Germany drinking beer (or something else) in the middle of the day in the park is absolutely normal. Don't be surprised if you see an old couple sitting in the bench next to the shops with a 6packs next to them. It's Germany, [Go beer or go home!]
  
  
• And yes I know it's a stereotype to think that because you're in Germany there will be beer everywhere, but there really is. If you want beer you can buy it in the most unexpected places. The Internet Cafe sells beer. The cell shop sells beer. The night time pizzeria sells beer. I mean all we need now is for stupid Mc Donalds to sell beer too ! [go beer or go home!] :)
  
  
• If there is four things that Germans love (still talking about the typical stereotype of Germans here) is Biking, Beer, Wurst (sausages) & Bread (or Pretzel ).
  
  
• But really biking is like a passion for the Germans. They bike everywhere and all the time, no matter the weather. And I quote “It is so much fun to bike when it snows” says a German girl. Some cities don't have underground stations so all they do is BIKE all the time. And yes there is even some cities that have more bikes than people in it (e.g. Munster)
  
  
• Talking about underground stations. They are very practical, and yes it is totally an excuse to get lost in the city. Try this, jump in the underground get out at a random station and just walk all day discover the city. Who cares if you look like a retarded tourist with your confused face and your possible map. Be adventurous. Just make sure you know the name of your underground stop by heart. Btw in Germany they are called “U.Bahn & S.bahn”
  
  
• Beside all i've said German people are really very serious people (I know serious people that loves beer). They are serious and they are (almost always in a hurry). When in the “U.Bahn”, “S.Bahn”, bus or tram, when you see the Germans standing up ready to go out don't stand up too. It just means that the next stop is 5mins away but life is too serious to wait for the door to open while sitting. (big generalisation here)
  
  
• If you have met Germans outside Germany (exchange, on holidays, or just abroad) you must wonder “What Germans serious? No ways”. Well yes they are. But apparently they are only robots in Germany and once they go abroad on holidays they become the crazy Germans we all enjoy so much. (big generalisation here again)
  
  
• Because in Germany all your time must be used wisely, here is a little drinking game i've learned there that allow you to work out (running) and drink beer at the same time.
  So it's simple make two teams, each person in the team has a can of beer (it's always easier with a can of beer). The two teams stand one in front of the other, and standing between them in the middle is a empty bottle (for example). And each person must throw a ball (or a onion if you don't have a ball) and make the bottle fall. When the bottle falls everyone in the team of the person who threw the ball must start downing their beer. The first team that has all players with empty cans wins.
  See in normal drinking games the point is to make the other one drink, in Germany it's the other way around. The winner gets drunk first. :)
  
  
• Germany is not very famous for its nice weather well because it's weather sucks. It's as stable as a pregnant woman-menopausal-PMS all together (yes like that, well in Bavaria it was).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So obviously a Sunny day is like a miracle for them. Our dear deutsch are used to Cold and try or Cold and rain. The sun is a gift and when it is there you must enjoy it to the MAX. Go strawberry picking, biking, walking, lay on the sun, perve on hotties, swim EVEYTHING! :)
• 
  
• When it's football season some song will be sang. Songs you won't understand. In that case just smile, clap your hands and remember to scream at the end DEUUUUTSSCHLAAAND ! You'll fit right in with the other crazies. Ofc don't forget to hold you glass of beer high while screaming no matter how heavy it is.
  
  
• Yes heavy glass of beer. See in the normal world a big glass of beer is 0,5L well no in Germany that's a normal. A big glass is 1L. And yes that shizz is heavy but even German women carry it like it's nothing. Some people even carry 4 at the same time, but well don't try it.
  
  
• If it's football season and you are agoraphobic, avoid every restaurant/bar with a Tv, avoid public transportation actually just stay at home. If you have to take any kind of public transportation stay on the surface (bus, tram) because from my experience the underground “U.Bahn” gets very VERY full. And maybe you may find yourself in the same underground car as a group of young adult proudly wearing the colour of their team, singing and screaming some German gibberish, and yes some of them just might be drunk. In Munich the street Leopoldstrass/Marienplatz is the worst (is you are agoraphobic) or the best thing that is happening during football season. Either way Football & Beer, YEAH ! Once again if you don't know what to do, clap and scream DEUTSCHLAND! :)
  
  
• So Yeah I said that German peeps are very serious people. But they are also very “Free Spirited” (even in the so called “Christian Conservative” side where I was living >> Bavaria). For example in the early hours of the 23rds of June a few thousands of people stood nude in one in the street for the love of Art. When I say nude I mean nothing but some body paint on. People of all age, gender, size (I even spotted a pregnant woman in the crowd) and it was absolutely amazing.
  
  
• A little History break here, did you know that Hitler started his little group of crazies in Bavaria? And it is also there that is situated Dachau Concentration Camp which was the first concentration camp of Germany and also the only one that was open from the very beginning until the very end. Not such a great part of history but it is always good to know. [History Nerd]
  
  
• If you go to Germany (especially if you are currently living in an African country like me) people will make an enormous amount of jokes about how Germans are racist and will kill you nazis blah blah blah. But beside that very dark part in their History the people I have met in Germany are quite cool (some more than others). And I even talked to old people in the street (one of the many many times I got lost) and even in the “Christian Conservative” side of Germany they were all extremely nice. And I don't know if I am lucky or completely blind and stupid, but as far as I am concern I met ZERO racists.
  
  
• In Munich there is actually so many international people that if you wanted to be racist you should just move out of the city before having a panic attack. Funny enough during my two months in Germany I must have met a good 8 Germans. I somehow always ended up sitting next to/talking with international people, USA, Netherlands, Italy, Columbia, China, even countries like Uzbekistan, Vietnam and Albania. But Germans were the hardest to find.
  
  
• Someone would wonder “Why would someone in their right mind learn German?” Well I asked this question to myself so many times. I must have taken the decisions in a moment of insanity, but I regret nothing because once you get passed the fear of words with 12 letters it is actually a nice language. Plus according to statistics (I swear I read it somwhere) Germany is one of the country where most people from Europe would like live. :)
  
  
• And if you still have doubt about Germany think about BEER FESTIVALS ! Yes festivalS. Especially “Oktober Fest” which is basically the biggest craziest beer festival of all. Fun Fact abt the “Oktober Fest” is happens in mostly in September, yeah Germans are weird like that, don't ask. Actually do. You want to hear drunk people tell you stories, it is always fun. :)
  
  
• If you've been anywhere else in Germany they will tell you that people from Bavaria are weird. But weird is always good. Plus I would have to say from personal experience, there is something very “homy” about Munich. It's not really a city, but not really a village either and that makes it feel so cosy and nice. Once you're use to it you don't really want to go.
  
  
• One last thing, DEUTSCHLAND ! *raise glass of beer high and proud* :)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

"I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again."

I don't like admitting, showing

The feelings I have inside, the darkness, loneliness that I feel inside.

It's new, it's beautiful, it's a great adventure.

And the more I can repeat this, the more I can try to convince myself.

Convince myself that I am fine, that I am happy. That I don't need anyone.

Because like they said it many times, I am a party on my own.

I don't need anyone, anything. Just me.

Just me, my free crazy mind and beer.

That's what they think, that's what they see.

So why change, change their mind.

Why tell them that behind my smiles there's loneliness.

That behind my screams there are tears.

That behind every pictures, every facebook status, every tweet there is a person that is hurt inside.

I try to hide that I am alone, that I am not a fine on my own.

I am not the life of the party, I party to forget that I have nothing really live for, nothing real.

I decided to make my life as superficial as it can be,

Superficial because real life is too complicated.

Too hurtful

Too lonely

Too hard

Too r.e.a.l

And the truth is I can't handle it, I can't even face it.

I don't know who I am, what I am or what to do.

But for you I will always but on a mask.

Put on a smile. You will look at me but not really see who I am.

Because if I keep repeating that I am fine.

If you keep on seeing that I am fine.

For a second, I become the person that I pretend to be.

For a few second, I become the person that you see.

And for those seconds everything is fine and I feel, for a few seconds, that I can be truly happy.

So you're tired of living and you feel like you might give in
well don't it's not your time ... don't take your life because it's all that you've got 

- Fuck buying flowers for graves. -

This song ->  Youtube: "I guarantee that you'll wake up in a better place in a better time." 

This is how life should feel ...

Finds someone who makes you want to be better than you are.

Greater that you can ever be.

Just because you want to be as amazing as they see you.

You want to feel like you are worth their love.

You see they always say “Don't change for anyone but yourself.”

But once in a while you meet people who makes you want to change.

People you make you believe in yourself, you make you feel like you can achieve anything.

And that's all the difference.

You know that they love you exactly how you are.

And you're not changing to impress anyone or anything.

It's just that once in a while you feel like you can be greater than your amazing self.

And if in your life you had the chance to meet someone that makes you feel like this.

Never let them go, hold on tight even if it's hard sometimes.

Because someone that makes you feel this good, this happy, this wonderful can only be someone sent from heaven.

Someone this good can only be a product of love, an Angel.
Your Angel.

Mais un jour 
Je te retrouverai ici
Mon amour
Sous l'ombre de Palmiers
Cause I remember every sunset 
I remember every word you said 
WE WERE NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE 

Summer Paradise - Simple Plan (French version)

Deep down, in real life .... it isn't so real

[this is all happening in an hypothetical world]

Sometimes I just wish that everything could be like it's meant to be.

He is there, you are here, just a few miles away

But your mind are so close and your heart are still trying to go the distance.

The world knows that the only place you should be in his arms and the world knows that the only country you should live in is his heart.

But in real life it doesn't happen like this.

In real life it is not that easy.

In real life is, isn't always meant to be; and perfection is rare.

In your mind you still talk to him, in your mind you're still with him.

Perfectly tangled up together, as if nothing in the world could ever separate you.

Because in your mind everything can be perfect.

And you try to tell him how you feel.

Try to tell him how it is in your head, how you are perfect together.

You try to feel what you're suppose to feel, what the world tells you to feel.

But deep down you know, real life is more complicated than this.

Deep down you know that you cannot make yourself feel what you do not feel, what you want to feel.

You know that every feeling of attraction are not synonym. to love.

That love can be felt with no lust and that this love is as true as any other kind you've felt before.

You think love but you say lust, because love is real, love is true and love doesn't have its place in your head.

There's a million things you've said to yourself,

There's a millions things you wrote in your books,

But deep down you know that in real life, every thoughts, every feeling isn't worth a thing if is is not expressed.

In real life, it is always better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again.

[ because Yellowcard says it all ]

A life in love,
A picture of,
A place I'm nowhere near.
A bleeding heart,
A good head start,
To anywhere but here.
Just let me out,
Please let me out,
Before I turn into a box of things,
Reminding me,
How much I'm missing out, (I am missing you.)

Add caption

Facing stranger, facing yourself ...

I stumble on this peoem as i was walking alone to my empty room in this cold country.
I don't know why but those words were so fascinating to me.
And as i was trying to not break into little pieces in the lift i realise that those words meant something to me.
Something i always felt in a way, but that i never really understood.
It was what i felt a lot of time, what i wish i could feel again, and somehow what i was feeling right now.
For those 65seconds in the lift, looking at the steel doors i felt an unreal and strong connection to Ellie Wiesel.

"Our fear of strangers calls into
question of our own role in society.
I have only to look at one to realize
that in the eyes of other people I,
too, can be a stranger, and that a
stranger would be afraid of me.
In the context of humanity as a whole,
we are all strangers.
We all have something inside us that
does not belong to us, that we cannot
make out, that we cannot grasp.
Since he is, in a way, similar to me,
a stranger frightens me.
In the last analysis, I am only afraid
of him because I am frightened of
myself. What if I were the other?
The truth is: he and I are the same."

The music stops I want to rescue want to scream out loud

There's always a time in your life when you get so upset and kind of tired that for a few seconds you just want to be numb.

For a few minutes you just want, no you need to be numb. To feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Think about something sweet, something you love, something you hate, hear an emo song and feel nothing, nada, niet. Just hear those words that mean nothing but mean so much because those feelings you felt them once, long ago. But you don't know if you want to feel them again.

You're not sure if you even can. Because you felt so much, at some point, for so many people, for someone. But now it's all gone.

They're all gone.

And you feel empty, you feel hurt, and you just want to feel numb, to feel nothing.

Because maybe feeling nothing for just a few hours can make you feel better.

And I'll admit that sometime I hope, I dream that it will all end.

That at some point they will all be back.

That I will feel all that I've once felt for some many people, for someone.

That one day I won't even dare thinking about being numb because I will feel so much that nothing in the world could stop me from feeling this amazing.

But suddenly, I wake up. Suddenly I am back in my chair, back my cold chair, back in my cold chair in my lonely room.

And suddenly all this happiness seems so far, too beautiful, too unreal. Like from another world, like from a place I will never visit again.

And suddenly the pain is back, so real, so strong. And I don't want to think about it anymore.

All I want is to drink the sweet poison that is alcohol and forget where I am, forget who I am and just let the darkness that surrounds us swallow me entirely.

Because I simply don't want to feel anymore.

Because for a few minutes you just want, no you just need to be numb. To feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Ballerina by Leona Naess > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cje58i9-DfE

Yesterday the 23rd of March. #Rusilent was trending on Twitter SA.

Silent Protest 2011

Yes yesterday was the Silence Protest. I still remember the Silent Protest 2011. I cried in public like never before and by 7pm my body was tired and my soul was sad from all the “Rape Survivor” T-shirt my eyes had seen. But never in my life was I so proud of myself for taking part of something s big, so important, so real. Giving up on water, food and the ability to speak for a day. Giving up on this for a day to “affirm our solidarity with the survivors silenced by rape and sexual violence” because “freedom of speech is denied to survivors of sexual violence”. I think it's a memory that I will always remember and cherish. Last year the statistics were, 1 in 9 rape are reported to the police. Knowing that in South Africa a woman (especially if she's black) has a 55% chance of getting raped at least once in her life. Knowing that in 2010 around 72 500 woman were raped in SA and only 1 out of 9 reported it and out of those who did report it only 4% successfully persecuted. 1 in 9 that's more than 70% offenders that walk around free, talking to us, talking to our friends, becoming our friends, our family. This year the statistics are 1 in 20 rape are reported! One in 20 do you realise what this means! That out of 20 person who got raped only one will report that rape. That's so much more people who let sex offenders silenced them, who let them have power  over them, that so much many victims.

I personally think that more universities should get involve in this, more countries. They always say that in the western countries there is less rape, we don't know that. All we know is that people don't talk about it. At age 19 I am sure that I have met around 10 people that were sexually abused and I just didn't know about it. People only see what they want to see, until reality hits them in the eye like a big pizza pie and trust me it's not always love. Sometimes it hurts, and then you can so mad that you forget that you were hurt and you want to scream. But you know it won't change anything that it's too late, that they've been trough those feelings and worst. Their heart have been thrown up and down, it was been crashed, crushed in little pieces and slowly but surely taped back together and put back on track. They found the strength to stand up, to trust again, to not be a victim anymore and talk about it. Because life and love made them understand that it wasn't their fault, that rape isn't a disease that they hide to the world, that they didn't bring that up on themselves and that their life doesn't need to be completely destroy.

I have to admit I cry a little every time I discover that a friend of mine was abused, every time I hear someone was abuse by a friend, a acquaintance, a family member, by anyone. My heart hurts inside. For a few seconds I have to admit, when I see the “Rape Survivor” T-shirt that's all I see, when I hear “I was abused; I'm a survivor; it happened to me too” that's all they become. For a few seconds that's all there is. Rape rape rape rape they were raped how do they live how do they trust someone how do they trust me rape rape rape rape what should I say can I still get them drunk and laugh about it rape rape rape rape shame they are so nice and so pretty I should do something oh my god I want to scream rape rape rape RAPE. And during that time we forget that they are still standing in front of us, we forget that it must have been harder for them to admit than for us to hear it, we forget that the fact that they were rape doesn't define them and shoudn't change anything about the way you feel about them. After those few seconds that turned into minutes of confusion all we can do is look at them, admire their courage, love the fact that they trust us enough, maybe give than an hug and agree that tonight vodka shots are on you! Cause we love them that much more for simply being who they are.

PS, I recently read the words of a rape survivor. I have to admit that I felt stupid, stupid because this person wrote about how people who weren't rape feel during one of those protest and the person was right. Stupid because like the person say in one or two weeks I would wake up and maybe I won't think about rape. In a few weeks it won't hurt me that much anymore even if I am crying now. 

But I don't want to feel stupid anymore, as i read the rest of this person words I see that what happened shouldn't change the way I feel about myself (just like I said before it shouldn't change the way i feel about this person), what happened shouldn't change anything. Except maybe how much I get involve in the war against rape, male or female.

-Raise awareness against female and male rape. Not only once a year but every day of the year, every day of your life until you can no longer speak about it, until you can no longer breath.-