Last day as a teen.
It doesn't really mean anything, but if
we think about it, it does.
I am turning 20 years old tomorrow.
People always talk about 21 being the big number, but if you're not
living in the USA 21years old isn't such a big deal cause you have
probably been drinking and clubbing for a few years now.
20 years old, it's not such a big step
in your life. Nothing really is suppose to change when you turn 20.
Turning 20 is more like the end of a phase, I guess.
It is the end of your teen years.
I still remember when I became a
teenager, at 12 or 13 years old.
Freshly off the boat from Belgium, it
doesn't seem so long ago, 2004/2005.
But when I really think about it, it
was like millions of years ago.
Another time, another life. Back when I
was in high school, in Madagascar just starting to get my life
together.
I remember I thought this is what life
was going to be for the next 5 or 8 years.
It all made sense and I wanted it to
stay that way, for as long as possible.
Life could only get better from there.
The blue skies and shiny days made me sure of it.
More happiness than tears, more friends
than enemies, a lot of love, few heartaches, just how life is suppose
to be at that age.
And suddenly it stopped, I had to move.
To a new school, a new place, a new country, to a new life.
Life as I knew it was over, I saw all
that I've had and all that I was hoping for collapse in front of my
eyes. Collapse like a beautiful cards castle that your cat
accidentally bumped into.
And boom, all gone. Right before you
could take a picture of it, so your mind will remember it but your
reason will always make you doubt yourself. Did it really exist or
was I just dreaming.
14 years old Mozambique, a new school,
a new place, a new country, a new life.
It was so different. I tried to stay
who I was but slowly I lost the idea of who I was, I lost the idea of
who I wanted to be, who I should be.
If you can't change the things around
you,. Change yourself.
So I repressed all of my teenager's
feelings, for a little while, for a few years.
Life was livable, life was okay, life
became kind of good.
There was good, even great moments, but
life in general was only kind of good. So I settled for that.
I tricked my mind into thinking that
was true happiness. That this is how life was going to be and that I
was fine with it. But I wasn't.
I was dreaming and hoping for something
more.
Freud said that unexpressed emotions
never dies, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier
ways.
And they came back, those teenager's
feelings that I've tried so hard to repressed.
They came back in uglier ways, slowly
but surely punching me in the face, one after the other.
And I did what could be consider as
mistakes, but I have learn so much from them that I am glad I did a
few more and I am still doing them, cause life is about what you
experience.
To be completely honest, it is the
things that could have been a mistake that I didn't do that I regret
the most. Cause I will never know if they were really mistakes.
2010, graduated from high school I was
ready to live life, my mind was hungry for adventures.
But I had to put my life on hold, for a
little while. I had to press the pause button and keep all of my
feelings trapped inside of my body. All imprison in me, waiting to be
free.
So when the time arrived to let them
run freely, my cage just exploded.
They were all over the place, I was all
over the place. But I was so happy.
2011, Rhodes University South Africa.
A new place, a new country, a new life.
And what a place, what a country, what a life.
It is true, I had no intention in
living there and I had no intention of loving it.
But I did, a damn the ride I had. This
was the life my mind was waiting for.
I didn't know it before but I had been
waiting for South Africa for a very long time.
And when it happened it wasn't all
perfect but man it was so close to what I had always wanted that
demanding perfection just seemed a bit silly.
More happiness than tears, more friends
than enemies, a lot of love, a few heartaches, just how life is
suppose to be at that age.
Life was so good all I could do was
tilt my head back and laugh at the sky.
Not only life was better, but so was I.
Not the kind of better than you can see or measure, just something
that only I could feel deep in my bones.
And when I came back home for the
holidays I could really feel it, the difference inside.
There is nothing like returning to a
place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself
have altered. And yes it felt good.
And suddenly it was there again. Bad
luck, hitting my life like a big pizza pie and trust me it wasn't
love.
I can still see Life and Bad Luck
laughing while I was being sucked in by a black hole.
And right before I let myself be
trapped by insanity I remembered something, 'Tough times don't last
but tough people do, fuck your past but don't let it fucks you'
(Monastry's bathroom).
So I did the only thing I could do, I
pressed pause on my life again and waited for better days.
But this time I didn't imprison my
feelings, I spit them on a page of an old notebook and got rid of
them forever. (almost)
And for those few months I was fine
(barely), gladly numb.
Now I am in a small city of Eastern
Germany, where I would have never imagine myself to be in a million
years.
Trying to make this place my home and
trying hard to get use to the weather.
20 years old minus one day, freshly off
of the boat (again), weird, annoying, sometimes doing things I
shouldn't, raising my hypothetical glass of wine to new beginnings
and the possibilities they bring.
Actually if I have to be totally
honest, I could use another few years of acting like a teenager …
:)
