I used to love you ... (too many feelings and not enough words)

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did, I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

When seeing your face, your smile didn't just give me butterflies but I could feel a whole tribe bagging on jungle drums.

I could smell you, as soon as you walk in a room.

I could smell you, on the clothes of my friend you hugged this morning.

On my clothes, frankly I could smell you everywhere.

You were my sweetest obsession.

And it made me happy, you made me happy.

You weren't truly mine, but you weren't anyone else' either.

I saw hope in your eyes, I saw hope in your smiles, I felt love in the way you use to hold my hand.

I wanted to believe that it was true.

That the sun was shinning this morning only because of you.

Every word you mispronounced made me want you a little more.

I don't like admitting it but I secretly loved when our friends called you “mine” because we were indeed so amazing next to each other (together).

I liked you so much it could have hurt so bad but it just felt so great.

I like you so much I didn't want to admit it, not to you, not to anyone, not even to me.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would just kill the dream.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would force you to give me an answer, and what if you didn't feel the same way ?

What if you didn't want me?

What if you disliked me?

Those were thoughts I couldn't even bare to think of, so I stayed quiet.

Quiet and happily drugged by my feelings for you. Making sure hope was still there.

And suddenly, it stopped.

The dream in my head, the high of love, the hope in your eyes/your smiles. All gone!

Some people still called you mine, refusing to believe that our unbegun story was already over.

But we all knew that you were gone, you left my life ( but not my dreams).

So I sat down in the rain and look at you, hurting, crying, bleeding.

Hurting as your hand held someone else's.

Crying as your arms wrap themselves around someone else, making sure your sent gets into her skin.

Bleeding as you looked and smiled at someone else, knowing that once upon a time those were for me and only me.

So I tried to forget you. I tried to forget your smell, your smile, your eyes, your face. I tried to forget you ever existed.

I put my heart on hold, told it to go on holidays. That I didn't need to feel anymore because feeling is hurting. And I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.

And after a while I tried to get back on track, I put my heart on IV, and decided that life was too beautiful to let feelings ruin it.

But life wasn't beautiful, I tried to drive forward, reach the finish line and but the road was slippery, dangerous and I drove off a cliff.

As I was falling, you came back to me.

You came back to me, a little.

I wasn't sure if it was real but it felt so good that I convinced myself it was.

I was wandering into darkness, wandering into emptiness.

And the thought of you possibly being at the end of the tunnel was the only thing keeping me going.

So I held on, held on to the dream, held on to the hope, held on to you.

But at the end of the tunnel you weren't who I expected you to be.

You weren't who you made me believe you would be.

Who I made myself believed you would be.

I just wanted to pour myself into you.

But you were so cold, so distant, so unavailable.

I was expecting the sun, but I was so wrong.

I came out the tunnel walking straight to a Fortress of Solitude.

I was alone and confused. But you were there, looking at me.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how happy you made me feel.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how much I used to like (love) you.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered your smell, your smiles, all those quirks that made you perfect for me.

So I held on to you. I held on tight.

Because someone who once made me feel so complete couldn't be so bad.

Because beside all the pain and the tears, the thought of you still made me smile.

Because I still smelled you in some places, and your name still made my heart skip a beat.

So I tried, I tried to be yours again. I tried to be yours for the very first time.

Your voice in my head got me flying so high, that when I started crashing again it took me a while to realise.

I fell and crashed, but this time it didn't hurt.

Not anymore or at least not as much.

I didn't care. I didn't care about you anymore.

I am still not free from you, and maybe I will never be.

Because once you've felt something this strong it never truly goes away.

It stays like a small scar on your knee, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

But now I don't anymore or I can't.

I feel something, but it is so irregular, so unknown, so not understandable, 

that I don't know if it should count as something.

If there is something I don't know if I can (want) to go down that road again.

All I know is that I once felt so much for you that I don't know if there is anything left for me to feel.

I think I ran out of love for you.

But then again, my heart still skips a beat … sometimes. 

 Ron Pope - A drop in the Ocean <3

50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University.

I know College Bucket List have be done over and over again. But guess what not everyone has the goals (or priorities). And Bucket List are extremely fun to do, even you should try ! So this is my College Bucket List, 50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University (academic or not). Since I'm a freshmen again I thought now would be a good time. And for those of you who are almost (already) done I hope you have done at least half of those things. I mean come on University is suppose to be the best years of your life, live a little. Make them count ! :)

No, not everything on the list is something that I plan to do but it should [totally] be considered. ;)

1. Say Yes to new places. Just for the experience but without putting our lives in danger.
   
   
2. Do something crazy - Carpeing the fuck out of the Diem- . Flash your boobs, run naked,paint half of your body green, paint your whole body in green, have a threesome. You know just for the fun of it.
   
   
3. Go out on a week night and make it to class the next morning at 8am.
   
   
4. Get drunk before class. I mean only before a boring class and make sure you can get the course online … Or just do it whenever.
   
   
5. Go to a class that has nothing to do with your degree. You know just to see what it's all about, you're a Ecos Major go to a Sociology or Politics class.
   
   
6. Try to hang out with someone that you would normally not hang out with. You know, open your mind to something that is just not you. “He is cute but you're normally not into asian guys”. Or "this chick is really cool but she never goes out I can't be her friend." YES YOU CAN! Get out there, who knows what can happen. 
   
   
7. Go “party like a white girl” ! Yeah you have to do that at least once. Just go out, dance on tables/bars, have crazy fun, do something stupid and don't worry about what anybody thinks because it's just you and your people having the night of your life (this may include a lot of alcohol.)
   
   
8. Participate in a Flash Mob, a strike or a Protest (everything!). Even if you're shy and stuff. Just to stand together with other people can make you feel so alive. :)
   
   
9. Try to have a first (above 85%) in as many of your classes as you can. Okay You.Only.Live.Once and partying is fun, but as far as I'm concern Drake has a banging career and tons of money. Don't let the “YOLO” life make you end up in the gutter!
   
   
10. Go to a theme party & participate. Not just “Black and White Party” but something wild like a ABC Party. Just for the fun of being dressed up and stupid ! Hell Yeah !
    
    
11. Visit your University (the city where your University) at least once. I'm not talking about the stupid tour they give during Orientation Week (even if it's very useful), but have a tour on your own. Go to the gym, have a little picnic in that small park, have a nap on the grass next to that weird status...
    
    
12. Sleep under the stars, go Camping. According to the Green people, the pollution is slowly making it harder for us to see the stars. Seriously, maybe in 20 years star gazing won't be something you would be able to do.
    
    
13. Spur of the moment Road trip !
    
    
14. Study Abroad. You cannot truly know who you are until you have been completely taken out of what you've always known, out of your comfort zone.

15. Learn a new language. It's the 21^st century, seriously if you don't speak 2 or 3 languages you should second guess your life decisions.
    
    
16. Hook Up in the library (or a classroom). WHY NOT ?!
    
    
17. Try to read at least a book every 4 months just for you. Yes yes the lecturers already give you so much readings to do but reading for pleasure is cool. Or you can just be lazy and get the recording of the book. :) 
    
    
18. Skinny Dipping. We are young and stupid, enough said.
    
    
19. Try a food you cannot pronounce and would never normally eat. Again just for the experience.
    
    
20. Give back to the community. Do I even need to explain why you need to do some charity work !
    
    
21. Learn to drive a (manual ) car. On day it will be useful, you'll see.
    
    
22. Donate blood. Make sure you weren't binge drinking the night before though, “OMG they found blood in my alcohol system!” 
    
    
23. Learn to play at least on song on an instrument. Music <3
    
    
24. Make a youtube video or create a blog (or both). It's the 21^st century, everyone has one of those.
    
    
25. Beer pong tournament !
    
    
26. Get published or inspire someone (or both). No everyone can write. Or just have your picture published in the papers if you're very lazy. :P
    
    
27. Master in baking or cooking at least one thing (that isn't too easy to do). Guy or girl you need to have that one meal that people are like “Huum wish XXX was here to cook this”.
    
    
28. Go lay on the grass on a sunny & beautiful afternoon and just take time to notice how beautiful life is. After that you have to manage somehow to stand up and make it to your next class.
    
    
29. Go wine tasting (or beer/whisky tasting). If you don't drink go taste chocolate, that's good too! :P
    
    
30. Learn a few fun drinking games.. (Flanky Ball, Kings, Pyramids...)
    
    
31. Discover your inner talent. Werther it is painting, drawing, singing, acting, playing an instrument, dancing, sports, become a Dj even. Anything .. 
    
    
32. Drink with a professor. If you're lucky enough to have a cool lecturer enjoy ! :)
    
    
33. Go to a field party. There's nothing like an open air party, and I just want to add that falling on the grass hurts less than falling on the cold hard ground.
    
    
34. Go to a school event, get involved ! It's YOUR school after all !
    
    
35. Go to a live music show. Acoustic music YEAH !
    
    
36. Go watch slam poetry, a public reading or a theatre piece. Not it's not only for hipsters, nerds and hippies. A lil a bit of cultural things never hurt anyone.
    
    
37. Fall in love. I've seen that in movies, seems cool.
    
    
38. Body shots ! YEAH !
    
    
39. If you live in a small town, go to all the clubs/restaurant at least once. How can you really know which one is your favourite if you keep on going to the same ones. You have three years. :)
    
    
40. Go watch a sporting event. Sexy Rugby Boys ! :)
    
    
41. Take part in a sporting event. Even just a fun run for charity.
    
    
42. Pull an all nighter. Okay there's no way in hell you can survive 3 years (or more) in University without spending at least one night (or a few) without sleeping.
    
    
43. Join a student society. You meet new people, it's good for your future. And between you & me student society are mostly about hanging out & parties.. ;)
    
    
44. Make a dramatic change in your hairstyle. Soon you'll have to go look for a job and you won't be able to have red or blue highlights, might as well do it now!
    
    
45. Dress up for class. Nothing not to extravagant. :)
    
    
46. Take part in “ … Day”. Suit-Up Day. Write love on your arm day. Hug Someone wearing red day.
    
    
47. Raise your hand to answer a question or tell your opinion in a very full lecture. You have a voice, use it damn it ! :P
    
    
48. Wear a shirt with a message. Write LIFE on your shirt and hand out lemons ! :D
    
    
49. Makes friends for life, have the greatest memories.
    
    
50. Finish university without getting pregnant or without even getting a STD.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    [Bonus] 51. GRADUATE ! :D :D
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Also Read : 
    3 Reasons Why the ‘Do it for the Story’ Mentality Is the Only Way to Go Through College
    10 Confessions You Never Want to Make to Your Parents About Your College Life

New Years, this are not resolutions...

We are in 2013. I can’t really believe it.

I will probably spend another couple of months writing 2012 on my papers.

My brain is still kind of surprise that we’re already in 2013.

We’re in 2013, this is a strange feeling...

No this feeling has nothing to do with the fact that we survived the so called “Mayan end of the world”.

It’s funny, I was thinking about how we were supposed to have robots, flying cars and all wear aluminum jump-suits (thank God the last one hasn’t happened).

Time went by so fast, too fast even for science… (even though I am still debating on if Dubstep is or is not code messages from aliens  disguised as music by the CIA ^^ )

I also found myself reminiscing about what kind of person I use to think I would be when I would reach 20 years old.

I mean at 20 most people have had quite a number of experiences (even if they still have so much more to experience).

The good, the bad, the unforgettable and those we wished we could forget.

Twenty years in this world and I have experienced such a little part of life.

And somehow I feel like I have not evolved, well not the way I intended to.

But if science couldn’t reach our futuristic expectations how could I reach my unrealistic ones.

I had, for some reasons, believed that I would have been not someone else, obviously somewhere else and just different.

A different place, a different direction, same passions but different expectations.

In a few words, this is how I would describe life now.

A first year student for the second time, living in nowhere-land Germany, struggling with numbers, struggling to stay awake in class (sometimes), inexistent love life and great friends; just living the life students live.

But somehow I feel like something is not right. Something is missing.

I feel like at some point of my evolution someone stepped on my foot and I became a fish instead of being able to run freely in the savannah.

Obviously I could wait a few years, evolve into an amphibian and finally become the queen of the jungle.

But even though right now I feel good inside I can’t help but think that I am swimming backwards, or in circle, yes like an amnesic fish.

Not swimming more like cruising, purposely or not on purpose at all but taking the long way to the next step of evolution.

Which makes me, nowhere close to who I wished/thought I would be in 2013.

Not that I am unhappy now, but it just make me feel like planning things so long in the future is a little pointless.

But at the same time I am not on purpose purposely sabotaging myself.

So for 2013 I have one plan, this is not a resolution just a way of life, a philosophy.

I've tried Hakuna Matata, it works kinds of well but it is hard to control.

 For this year I know what I have to do “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do we swiiiiiim”.  (cf. Finding Nemo)

I guess staying positive and trying our best reach our goals (dreams) is the only way forward.

 

I mean we wouldn't be alive if one day a little fish didn't tell himself that he could walk on earth and actually push himself until somewhere down the line amphibians appeared ! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR LITTLE BIRDS ! (Abba's song :D )