The traditional New Year post (a bit late this time) .

"Some are born mad. Some remain it." Samuel Beckett

So what can i say about this year unless that it was another average year with surprising and amazing moments . Or a surprising amazing year with average/boring moments, glass half full or glass half empty?!

Oh well who cares, as long as i have a glass in my hand and friends around me. right!

2013 ey, loads of things have changed during that year, i will not get into too many details.. A lot has changed but i haven't really, well i did but bleh.

I know I've come a long way already, but life is an ongoing process. And we're never really done evolving.

So here goes, Things for 2014 [things i think i & humans in general should do.]

- Get my shit together, starting with cleaning my messy messy room! 

 - Put yourself first sometimes. You know sometimes you live your life as a dusty potato until someone (or a book/movie/song) says something that makes you understand that you're worth it. And that you too should be treated like a nice shiny apple. (Yes a shitty food analogy, deal with it, it's 2014!) 

- Get an cool internship before 2015!
- Eat more types of food, seems dumb but that's really something. Like taste that weird looking unpronounceable asian dish! And taste more unusual food (i hear fried worms are super tasty!) 
- Go back to the Motherland! #nuffsaid
- Meeting interesting people. I love having unusual friends, more than that i love having friends who seem very normal until you get to know them. Those are the one with the interesting (sometimes fabulous) stories. 

- Travelling. So this year alone i went to Prague, Amsterdam, France (Paris) and Spain (Girona). That was a first of all four. I only spent a day in Prague but for the other three i had an amazing time & met some petty cool people. I seriously need more of that! (I'm thinking maybe an Italy Tour for next time..) 

- To follow the previous statement, i should seriously start getting active on CouchSurfing. That shit is great! I spent my New Year's celebration in a camp in the middle of the forest outside Girona in Spain. It was a CS event with people from everywhere who have been everywhere. Most of them were 10 or 20 years older than me but i seriously couldn't feel the age difference. See their years of adventures and interaction with new cultures & people made them forever young at heart. They are free, loving, caring, open minded like no other. [That's a way of life!] 

- Get a proper job so i can travel more & go to tons of festivals! (Woodstock in Poland, anyone? ) 
- (I've given up a while back telling myself to diet. Food taste too good, fuck you Cosmo & Vogue. I'm chubby and [kinda] fabulous!)

 - Find a purpose. A passion, something that makes me wake up in the morning and stay awake at night. Something that is stronger than the rest.

- No judging, just loving (this one speaks for itself).

- Actually actively try to learn German. Yes it ia hell, but it would be nice for once to answer something else than "Ich spreche kein Deutsch, sorry." I mean how amazing is this word " Schwangerschaftverhütungsmittel" right! (-_-") [also some Germans are quite cute so that!]

- Improve my Spanish, that language is muy sexy!

- Do not be afraid of the world, it is full of possibilities that are just waiting to be taken.

- Enjoy every moment.That moment when you're walking at the beginning of the summer and a beautiful song plays. The sun is heating your face, the boys are are wearing colourful tshirts, life is just amazing!

- Appreciate the little things, like a warm shower to start or end the day. 

- Do something most people (or you) think you cannot do. Choose one and give it my best or at least try, hard!

- Do more cultural things. This one has been on my list for a while. Even tho i know random things abt random things, i have never read "To kill a Mocking Bird" or anything by Edgar A. Poe or Jean Paul Sartre or seen any Hitchcock movie. 

- Not judge a book by its cover. Just because people are beautiful, smart, outgoing and nice doesn't mean that their life is always completely perfect. There is no reason to be jealous or wish them some of your current bad lucks. A good friend of mine once said "There is no need to be jealous,cause in the end it only depend on you to make a difference."

- Learn to cook yummy things, like a strawberry pie!  

- Get more wine-knowledge. Cause it's nice being fancy :) And because while in France I was completely lost when it came to which wine to buy. Cabernet Sauvignon? Chardonney? [all i know is Shiraz is a big NO!]

- Re-connect with an old great friend.

- Be loved, Share love, Make love.

May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. 
And may you be in heaven half an hour before 
the devil knows you're dead ! [ Irish proverb.]

[And may the odds be ever be in our favor.]

I used to love you ... (too many feelings and not enough words)

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did, I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

When seeing your face, your smile didn't just give me butterflies but I could feel a whole tribe bagging on jungle drums.

I could smell you, as soon as you walk in a room.

I could smell you, on the clothes of my friend you hugged this morning.

On my clothes, frankly I could smell you everywhere.

You were my sweetest obsession.

And it made me happy, you made me happy.

You weren't truly mine, but you weren't anyone else' either.

I saw hope in your eyes, I saw hope in your smiles, I felt love in the way you use to hold my hand.

I wanted to believe that it was true.

That the sun was shinning this morning only because of you.

Every word you mispronounced made me want you a little more.

I don't like admitting it but I secretly loved when our friends called you “mine” because we were indeed so amazing next to each other (together).

I liked you so much it could have hurt so bad but it just felt so great.

I like you so much I didn't want to admit it, not to you, not to anyone, not even to me.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would just kill the dream.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would force you to give me an answer, and what if you didn't feel the same way ?

What if you didn't want me?

What if you disliked me?

Those were thoughts I couldn't even bare to think of, so I stayed quiet.

Quiet and happily drugged by my feelings for you. Making sure hope was still there.

And suddenly, it stopped.

The dream in my head, the high of love, the hope in your eyes/your smiles. All gone!

Some people still called you mine, refusing to believe that our unbegun story was already over.

But we all knew that you were gone, you left my life ( but not my dreams).

So I sat down in the rain and look at you, hurting, crying, bleeding.

Hurting as your hand held someone else's.

Crying as your arms wrap themselves around someone else, making sure your sent gets into her skin.

Bleeding as you looked and smiled at someone else, knowing that once upon a time those were for me and only me.

So I tried to forget you. I tried to forget your smell, your smile, your eyes, your face. I tried to forget you ever existed.

I put my heart on hold, told it to go on holidays. That I didn't need to feel anymore because feeling is hurting. And I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.

And after a while I tried to get back on track, I put my heart on IV, and decided that life was too beautiful to let feelings ruin it.

But life wasn't beautiful, I tried to drive forward, reach the finish line and but the road was slippery, dangerous and I drove off a cliff.

As I was falling, you came back to me.

You came back to me, a little.

I wasn't sure if it was real but it felt so good that I convinced myself it was.

I was wandering into darkness, wandering into emptiness.

And the thought of you possibly being at the end of the tunnel was the only thing keeping me going.

So I held on, held on to the dream, held on to the hope, held on to you.

But at the end of the tunnel you weren't who I expected you to be.

You weren't who you made me believe you would be.

Who I made myself believed you would be.

I just wanted to pour myself into you.

But you were so cold, so distant, so unavailable.

I was expecting the sun, but I was so wrong.

I came out the tunnel walking straight to a Fortress of Solitude.

I was alone and confused. But you were there, looking at me.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how happy you made me feel.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how much I used to like (love) you.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered your smell, your smiles, all those quirks that made you perfect for me.

So I held on to you. I held on tight.

Because someone who once made me feel so complete couldn't be so bad.

Because beside all the pain and the tears, the thought of you still made me smile.

Because I still smelled you in some places, and your name still made my heart skip a beat.

So I tried, I tried to be yours again. I tried to be yours for the very first time.

Your voice in my head got me flying so high, that when I started crashing again it took me a while to realise.

I fell and crashed, but this time it didn't hurt.

Not anymore or at least not as much.

I didn't care. I didn't care about you anymore.

I am still not free from you, and maybe I will never be.

Because once you've felt something this strong it never truly goes away.

It stays like a small scar on your knee, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

But now I don't anymore or I can't.

I feel something, but it is so irregular, so unknown, so not understandable, 

that I don't know if it should count as something.

If there is something I don't know if I can (want) to go down that road again.

All I know is that I once felt so much for you that I don't know if there is anything left for me to feel.

I think I ran out of love for you.

But then again, my heart still skips a beat … sometimes. 

 Ron Pope - A drop in the Ocean <3

50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University.

I know College Bucket List have be done over and over again. But guess what not everyone has the goals (or priorities). And Bucket List are extremely fun to do, even you should try ! So this is my College Bucket List, 50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University (academic or not). Since I'm a freshmen again I thought now would be a good time. And for those of you who are almost (already) done I hope you have done at least half of those things. I mean come on University is suppose to be the best years of your life, live a little. Make them count ! :)

No, not everything on the list is something that I plan to do but it should [totally] be considered. ;)

1. Say Yes to new places. Just for the experience but without putting our lives in danger.
   
   
2. Do something crazy - Carpeing the fuck out of the Diem- . Flash your boobs, run naked,paint half of your body green, paint your whole body in green, have a threesome. You know just for the fun of it.
   
   
3. Go out on a week night and make it to class the next morning at 8am.
   
   
4. Get drunk before class. I mean only before a boring class and make sure you can get the course online … Or just do it whenever.
   
   
5. Go to a class that has nothing to do with your degree. You know just to see what it's all about, you're a Ecos Major go to a Sociology or Politics class.
   
   
6. Try to hang out with someone that you would normally not hang out with. You know, open your mind to something that is just not you. “He is cute but you're normally not into asian guys”. Or "this chick is really cool but she never goes out I can't be her friend." YES YOU CAN! Get out there, who knows what can happen. 
   
   
7. Go “party like a white girl” ! Yeah you have to do that at least once. Just go out, dance on tables/bars, have crazy fun, do something stupid and don't worry about what anybody thinks because it's just you and your people having the night of your life (this may include a lot of alcohol.)
   
   
8. Participate in a Flash Mob, a strike or a Protest (everything!). Even if you're shy and stuff. Just to stand together with other people can make you feel so alive. :)
   
   
9. Try to have a first (above 85%) in as many of your classes as you can. Okay You.Only.Live.Once and partying is fun, but as far as I'm concern Drake has a banging career and tons of money. Don't let the “YOLO” life make you end up in the gutter!
   
   
10. Go to a theme party & participate. Not just “Black and White Party” but something wild like a ABC Party. Just for the fun of being dressed up and stupid ! Hell Yeah !
    
    
11. Visit your University (the city where your University) at least once. I'm not talking about the stupid tour they give during Orientation Week (even if it's very useful), but have a tour on your own. Go to the gym, have a little picnic in that small park, have a nap on the grass next to that weird status...
    
    
12. Sleep under the stars, go Camping. According to the Green people, the pollution is slowly making it harder for us to see the stars. Seriously, maybe in 20 years star gazing won't be something you would be able to do.
    
    
13. Spur of the moment Road trip !
    
    
14. Study Abroad. You cannot truly know who you are until you have been completely taken out of what you've always known, out of your comfort zone.

15. Learn a new language. It's the 21^st century, seriously if you don't speak 2 or 3 languages you should second guess your life decisions.
    
    
16. Hook Up in the library (or a classroom). WHY NOT ?!
    
    
17. Try to read at least a book every 4 months just for you. Yes yes the lecturers already give you so much readings to do but reading for pleasure is cool. Or you can just be lazy and get the recording of the book. :) 
    
    
18. Skinny Dipping. We are young and stupid, enough said.
    
    
19. Try a food you cannot pronounce and would never normally eat. Again just for the experience.
    
    
20. Give back to the community. Do I even need to explain why you need to do some charity work !
    
    
21. Learn to drive a (manual ) car. On day it will be useful, you'll see.
    
    
22. Donate blood. Make sure you weren't binge drinking the night before though, “OMG they found blood in my alcohol system!” 
    
    
23. Learn to play at least on song on an instrument. Music <3
    
    
24. Make a youtube video or create a blog (or both). It's the 21^st century, everyone has one of those.
    
    
25. Beer pong tournament !
    
    
26. Get published or inspire someone (or both). No everyone can write. Or just have your picture published in the papers if you're very lazy. :P
    
    
27. Master in baking or cooking at least one thing (that isn't too easy to do). Guy or girl you need to have that one meal that people are like “Huum wish XXX was here to cook this”.
    
    
28. Go lay on the grass on a sunny & beautiful afternoon and just take time to notice how beautiful life is. After that you have to manage somehow to stand up and make it to your next class.
    
    
29. Go wine tasting (or beer/whisky tasting). If you don't drink go taste chocolate, that's good too! :P
    
    
30. Learn a few fun drinking games.. (Flanky Ball, Kings, Pyramids...)
    
    
31. Discover your inner talent. Werther it is painting, drawing, singing, acting, playing an instrument, dancing, sports, become a Dj even. Anything .. 
    
    
32. Drink with a professor. If you're lucky enough to have a cool lecturer enjoy ! :)
    
    
33. Go to a field party. There's nothing like an open air party, and I just want to add that falling on the grass hurts less than falling on the cold hard ground.
    
    
34. Go to a school event, get involved ! It's YOUR school after all !
    
    
35. Go to a live music show. Acoustic music YEAH !
    
    
36. Go watch slam poetry, a public reading or a theatre piece. Not it's not only for hipsters, nerds and hippies. A lil a bit of cultural things never hurt anyone.
    
    
37. Fall in love. I've seen that in movies, seems cool.
    
    
38. Body shots ! YEAH !
    
    
39. If you live in a small town, go to all the clubs/restaurant at least once. How can you really know which one is your favourite if you keep on going to the same ones. You have three years. :)
    
    
40. Go watch a sporting event. Sexy Rugby Boys ! :)
    
    
41. Take part in a sporting event. Even just a fun run for charity.
    
    
42. Pull an all nighter. Okay there's no way in hell you can survive 3 years (or more) in University without spending at least one night (or a few) without sleeping.
    
    
43. Join a student society. You meet new people, it's good for your future. And between you & me student society are mostly about hanging out & parties.. ;)
    
    
44. Make a dramatic change in your hairstyle. Soon you'll have to go look for a job and you won't be able to have red or blue highlights, might as well do it now!
    
    
45. Dress up for class. Nothing not to extravagant. :)
    
    
46. Take part in “ … Day”. Suit-Up Day. Write love on your arm day. Hug Someone wearing red day.
    
    
47. Raise your hand to answer a question or tell your opinion in a very full lecture. You have a voice, use it damn it ! :P
    
    
48. Wear a shirt with a message. Write LIFE on your shirt and hand out lemons ! :D
    
    
49. Makes friends for life, have the greatest memories.
    
    
50. Finish university without getting pregnant or without even getting a STD.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    [Bonus] 51. GRADUATE ! :D :D
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Also Read : 
    3 Reasons Why the ‘Do it for the Story’ Mentality Is the Only Way to Go Through College
    10 Confessions You Never Want to Make to Your Parents About Your College Life

New Years, this are not resolutions...

We are in 2013. I can’t really believe it.

I will probably spend another couple of months writing 2012 on my papers.

My brain is still kind of surprise that we’re already in 2013.

We’re in 2013, this is a strange feeling...

No this feeling has nothing to do with the fact that we survived the so called “Mayan end of the world”.

It’s funny, I was thinking about how we were supposed to have robots, flying cars and all wear aluminum jump-suits (thank God the last one hasn’t happened).

Time went by so fast, too fast even for science… (even though I am still debating on if Dubstep is or is not code messages from aliens  disguised as music by the CIA ^^ )

I also found myself reminiscing about what kind of person I use to think I would be when I would reach 20 years old.

I mean at 20 most people have had quite a number of experiences (even if they still have so much more to experience).

The good, the bad, the unforgettable and those we wished we could forget.

Twenty years in this world and I have experienced such a little part of life.

And somehow I feel like I have not evolved, well not the way I intended to.

But if science couldn’t reach our futuristic expectations how could I reach my unrealistic ones.

I had, for some reasons, believed that I would have been not someone else, obviously somewhere else and just different.

A different place, a different direction, same passions but different expectations.

In a few words, this is how I would describe life now.

A first year student for the second time, living in nowhere-land Germany, struggling with numbers, struggling to stay awake in class (sometimes), inexistent love life and great friends; just living the life students live.

But somehow I feel like something is not right. Something is missing.

I feel like at some point of my evolution someone stepped on my foot and I became a fish instead of being able to run freely in the savannah.

Obviously I could wait a few years, evolve into an amphibian and finally become the queen of the jungle.

But even though right now I feel good inside I can’t help but think that I am swimming backwards, or in circle, yes like an amnesic fish.

Not swimming more like cruising, purposely or not on purpose at all but taking the long way to the next step of evolution.

Which makes me, nowhere close to who I wished/thought I would be in 2013.

Not that I am unhappy now, but it just make me feel like planning things so long in the future is a little pointless.

But at the same time I am not on purpose purposely sabotaging myself.

So for 2013 I have one plan, this is not a resolution just a way of life, a philosophy.

I've tried Hakuna Matata, it works kinds of well but it is hard to control.

 For this year I know what I have to do “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do we swiiiiiim”.  (cf. Finding Nemo)

I guess staying positive and trying our best reach our goals (dreams) is the only way forward.

 

I mean we wouldn't be alive if one day a little fish didn't tell himself that he could walk on earth and actually push himself until somewhere down the line amphibians appeared ! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR LITTLE BIRDS ! (Abba's song :D )

Pre adulthood confidences, last day as a teen ...

Last day as a teen.

It doesn't really mean anything, but if we think about it, it does.

I am turning 20 years old tomorrow. People always talk about 21 being the big number, but if you're not living in the USA 21years old isn't such a big deal cause you have probably been drinking and clubbing for a few years now.

20 years old, it's not such a big step in your life. Nothing really is suppose to change when you turn 20. Turning 20 is more like the end of a phase, I guess.

It is the end of your teen years.

I still remember when I became a teenager, at 12 or 13 years old.

Freshly off the boat from Belgium, it doesn't seem so long ago, 2004/2005.

But when I really think about it, it was like millions of years ago.

Another time, another life. Back when I was in high school, in Madagascar just starting to get my life together.

I remember I thought this is what life was going to be for the next 5 or 8 years.

It all made sense and I wanted it to stay that way, for as long as possible.

Life could only get better from there. The blue skies and shiny days made me sure of it.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

And suddenly it stopped, I had to move. To a new school, a new place, a new country, to a new life.

Life as I knew it was over, I saw all that I've had and all that I was hoping for collapse in front of my eyes. Collapse like a beautiful cards castle that your cat accidentally bumped into.

And boom, all gone. Right before you could take a picture of it, so your mind will remember it but your reason will always make you doubt yourself. Did it really exist or was I just dreaming.

14 years old Mozambique, a new school, a new place, a new country, a new life.

It was so different. I tried to stay who I was but slowly I lost the idea of who I was, I lost the idea of who I wanted to be, who I should be.

If you can't change the things around you,. Change yourself.

So I repressed all of my teenager's feelings, for a little while, for a few years.

Life was livable, life was okay, life became kind of good.

There was good, even great moments, but life in general was only kind of good. So I settled for that.

I tricked my mind into thinking that was true happiness. That this is how life was going to be and that I was fine with it. But I wasn't.

I was dreaming and hoping for something more.

Freud said that unexpressed emotions never dies, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.

And they came back, those teenager's feelings that I've tried so hard to repressed.

They came back in uglier ways, slowly but surely punching me in the face, one after the other.

And I did what could be consider as mistakes, but I have learn so much from them that I am glad I did a few more and I am still doing them, cause life is about what you experience.

To be completely honest, it is the things that could have been a mistake that I didn't do that I regret the most. Cause I will never know if they were really mistakes.

2010, graduated from high school I was ready to live life, my mind was hungry for adventures.

But I had to put my life on hold, for a little while. I had to press the pause button and keep all of my feelings trapped inside of my body. All imprison in me, waiting to be free.

So when the time arrived to let them run freely, my cage just exploded.

They were all over the place, I was all over the place. But I was so happy.

2011, Rhodes University South Africa.

A new place, a new country, a new life. And what a place, what a country, what a life.

It is true, I had no intention in living there and I had no intention of loving it.

But I did, a damn the ride I had. This was the life my mind was waiting for.

I didn't know it before but I had been waiting for South Africa for a very long time.

And when it happened it wasn't all perfect but man it was so close to what I had always wanted that demanding perfection just seemed a bit silly.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, a few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

Life was so good all I could do was tilt my head back and laugh at the sky.

Not only life was better, but so was I. Not the kind of better than you can see or measure, just something that only I could feel deep in my bones.

And when I came back home for the holidays I could really feel it, the difference inside.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. And yes it felt good.

And suddenly it was there again. Bad luck, hitting my life like a big pizza pie and trust me it wasn't love.

I can still see Life and Bad Luck laughing while I was being sucked in by a black hole.

And right before I let myself be trapped by insanity I remembered something, 'Tough times don't last but tough people do, fuck your past but don't let it fucks you' (Monastry's bathroom).

So I did the only thing I could do, I pressed pause on my life again and waited for better days.

But this time I didn't imprison my feelings, I spit them on a page of an old notebook and got rid of them forever. (almost)

And for those few months I was fine (barely), gladly numb.

Now I am in a small city of Eastern Germany, where I would have never imagine myself to be in a million years.

Trying to make this place my home and trying hard to get use to the weather.

20 years old minus one day, freshly off of the boat (again), weird, annoying, sometimes doing things I shouldn't, raising my hypothetical glass of wine to new beginnings and the possibilities they bring.

Actually if I have to be totally honest, I could use another few years of acting like a teenager … :)

That Adele kinda feeling ...

It is strange, this feeling i have.

I haven’t seen his face in a while and still it upsets me. Just the thought of it, of him.

His face, his smile, his lips, his lies, his lust like a devil in my hands.

Everything about him is just so repulsive and yet so attractive.

It is strange, this feeling I’m having right now.

I hate him, no I hate it. The feeling.

And I can’t help but wonder why do I care so much, when he never did.

I have never been the kind of person to catch feelings.

I am usually very healthy and do my best not to get nasty diseases.

But I guess he showed up at a time when my heart was weak.

At a time when my heart had just finished a battle with another disease and he took over.

He didn’t even had to fight so hard, my army was already so weak from the previous war it had fought.

He took over, in my mind, my body and my heart.

Just like malaria sneaks its way in your body after a bad food poisoning.

It is strange what I am feeling right now.

I am usually not the type to let myself go and if I do I don’t let it show.

I stay calm, placid, senseless, knowing that the disease will simply go away.

But this time I was weak, my immune system let me down, I fell, I crashed but I don’t have time to be hurt.

I don’t have time to feel the pain. Not the time nor the strength. So I hate him instead.

Because hate, I think, is better than pain because hate is stronger than love.

This feeling is I must say is very strange.

Because I have felt, for him, what I have felt many times for others. 

But never, with any of them, have I felt this way afterwards. And if I had it was never this long and never this strong.

It is strange because I have all those feelings, all those thoughts that are real, strong and unspoken.

And yet, we were never. You didn’t betray me, but you betray the character I made up in my head.

I imagined you sure so pure, so vain with so much hidden pain, so romantic, poetic, so beautifully mine.

And yet, we were never.

This is why my dear, the feeling that I have right now is indeed very strange because I hate you for everything that you were in my dreams and cannot be in real life.

For that I guess, I should apologise to you my dear.

“And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love”

Melt my Heart to Stone - Adele