That Adele kinda feeling ...

It is strange, this feeling i have.

I haven’t seen his face in a while and still it upsets me. Just the thought of it, of him.

His face, his smile, his lips, his lies, his lust like a devil in my hands.

Everything about him is just so repulsive and yet so attractive.

It is strange, this feeling I’m having right now.

I hate him, no I hate it. The feeling.

And I can’t help but wonder why do I care so much, when he never did.

I have never been the kind of person to catch feelings.

I am usually very healthy and do my best not to get nasty diseases.

But I guess he showed up at a time when my heart was weak.

At a time when my heart had just finished a battle with another disease and he took over.

He didn’t even had to fight so hard, my army was already so weak from the previous war it had fought.

He took over, in my mind, my body and my heart.

Just like malaria sneaks its way in your body after a bad food poisoning.

It is strange what I am feeling right now.

I am usually not the type to let myself go and if I do I don’t let it show.

I stay calm, placid, senseless, knowing that the disease will simply go away.

But this time I was weak, my immune system let me down, I fell, I crashed but I don’t have time to be hurt.

I don’t have time to feel the pain. Not the time nor the strength. So I hate him instead.

Because hate, I think, is better than pain because hate is stronger than love.

This feeling is I must say is very strange.

Because I have felt, for him, what I have felt many times for others. 

But never, with any of them, have I felt this way afterwards. And if I had it was never this long and never this strong.

It is strange because I have all those feelings, all those thoughts that are real, strong and unspoken.

And yet, we were never. You didn’t betray me, but you betray the character I made up in my head.

I imagined you sure so pure, so vain with so much hidden pain, so romantic, poetic, so beautifully mine.

And yet, we were never.

This is why my dear, the feeling that I have right now is indeed very strange because I hate you for everything that you were in my dreams and cannot be in real life.

For that I guess, I should apologise to you my dear.

“And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love”

Melt my Heart to Stone - Adele