I used to love you ... (too many feelings and not enough words)

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did, I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

When seeing your face, your smile didn't just give me butterflies but I could feel a whole tribe bagging on jungle drums.

I could smell you, as soon as you walk in a room.

I could smell you, on the clothes of my friend you hugged this morning.

On my clothes, frankly I could smell you everywhere.

You were my sweetest obsession.

And it made me happy, you made me happy.

You weren't truly mine, but you weren't anyone else' either.

I saw hope in your eyes, I saw hope in your smiles, I felt love in the way you use to hold my hand.

I wanted to believe that it was true.

That the sun was shinning this morning only because of you.

Every word you mispronounced made me want you a little more.

I don't like admitting it but I secretly loved when our friends called you “mine” because we were indeed so amazing next to each other (together).

I liked you so much it could have hurt so bad but it just felt so great.

I like you so much I didn't want to admit it, not to you, not to anyone, not even to me.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would just kill the dream.

I was afraid that saying it out loud would force you to give me an answer, and what if you didn't feel the same way ?

What if you didn't want me?

What if you disliked me?

Those were thoughts I couldn't even bare to think of, so I stayed quiet.

Quiet and happily drugged by my feelings for you. Making sure hope was still there.

And suddenly, it stopped.

The dream in my head, the high of love, the hope in your eyes/your smiles. All gone!

Some people still called you mine, refusing to believe that our unbegun story was already over.

But we all knew that you were gone, you left my life ( but not my dreams).

So I sat down in the rain and look at you, hurting, crying, bleeding.

Hurting as your hand held someone else's.

Crying as your arms wrap themselves around someone else, making sure your sent gets into her skin.

Bleeding as you looked and smiled at someone else, knowing that once upon a time those were for me and only me.

So I tried to forget you. I tried to forget your smell, your smile, your eyes, your face. I tried to forget you ever existed.

I put my heart on hold, told it to go on holidays. That I didn't need to feel anymore because feeling is hurting. And I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.

And after a while I tried to get back on track, I put my heart on IV, and decided that life was too beautiful to let feelings ruin it.

But life wasn't beautiful, I tried to drive forward, reach the finish line and but the road was slippery, dangerous and I drove off a cliff.

As I was falling, you came back to me.

You came back to me, a little.

I wasn't sure if it was real but it felt so good that I convinced myself it was.

I was wandering into darkness, wandering into emptiness.

And the thought of you possibly being at the end of the tunnel was the only thing keeping me going.

So I held on, held on to the dream, held on to the hope, held on to you.

But at the end of the tunnel you weren't who I expected you to be.

You weren't who you made me believe you would be.

Who I made myself believed you would be.

I just wanted to pour myself into you.

But you were so cold, so distant, so unavailable.

I was expecting the sun, but I was so wrong.

I came out the tunnel walking straight to a Fortress of Solitude.

I was alone and confused. But you were there, looking at me.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how happy you made me feel.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered how much I used to like (love) you.

I looked into your eyes and I remembered your smell, your smiles, all those quirks that made you perfect for me.

So I held on to you. I held on tight.

Because someone who once made me feel so complete couldn't be so bad.

Because beside all the pain and the tears, the thought of you still made me smile.

Because I still smelled you in some places, and your name still made my heart skip a beat.

So I tried, I tried to be yours again. I tried to be yours for the very first time.

Your voice in my head got me flying so high, that when I started crashing again it took me a while to realise.

I fell and crashed, but this time it didn't hurt.

Not anymore or at least not as much.

I didn't care. I didn't care about you anymore.

I am still not free from you, and maybe I will never be.

Because once you've felt something this strong it never truly goes away.

It stays like a small scar on your knee, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I used to love you,

I used to love you so much .

I did I truly did, once upon a time.

When the thought of you made me shiver

When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.

But now I don't anymore or I can't.

I feel something, but it is so irregular, so unknown, so not understandable, 

that I don't know if it should count as something.

If there is something I don't know if I can (want) to go down that road again.

All I know is that I once felt so much for you that I don't know if there is anything left for me to feel.

I think I ran out of love for you.

But then again, my heart still skips a beat … sometimes. 

 Ron Pope - A drop in the Ocean <3

That Adele kinda feeling ...

It is strange, this feeling i have.

I haven’t seen his face in a while and still it upsets me. Just the thought of it, of him.

His face, his smile, his lips, his lies, his lust like a devil in my hands.

Everything about him is just so repulsive and yet so attractive.

It is strange, this feeling I’m having right now.

I hate him, no I hate it. The feeling.

And I can’t help but wonder why do I care so much, when he never did.

I have never been the kind of person to catch feelings.

I am usually very healthy and do my best not to get nasty diseases.

But I guess he showed up at a time when my heart was weak.

At a time when my heart had just finished a battle with another disease and he took over.

He didn’t even had to fight so hard, my army was already so weak from the previous war it had fought.

He took over, in my mind, my body and my heart.

Just like malaria sneaks its way in your body after a bad food poisoning.

It is strange what I am feeling right now.

I am usually not the type to let myself go and if I do I don’t let it show.

I stay calm, placid, senseless, knowing that the disease will simply go away.

But this time I was weak, my immune system let me down, I fell, I crashed but I don’t have time to be hurt.

I don’t have time to feel the pain. Not the time nor the strength. So I hate him instead.

Because hate, I think, is better than pain because hate is stronger than love.

This feeling is I must say is very strange.

Because I have felt, for him, what I have felt many times for others. 

But never, with any of them, have I felt this way afterwards. And if I had it was never this long and never this strong.

It is strange because I have all those feelings, all those thoughts that are real, strong and unspoken.

And yet, we were never. You didn’t betray me, but you betray the character I made up in my head.

I imagined you sure so pure, so vain with so much hidden pain, so romantic, poetic, so beautifully mine.

And yet, we were never.

This is why my dear, the feeling that I have right now is indeed very strange because I hate you for everything that you were in my dreams and cannot be in real life.

For that I guess, I should apologise to you my dear.

“And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love”

Melt my Heart to Stone - Adele