Pre adulthood confidences, last day as a teen ...

Last day as a teen.

It doesn't really mean anything, but if we think about it, it does.

I am turning 20 years old tomorrow. People always talk about 21 being the big number, but if you're not living in the USA 21years old isn't such a big deal cause you have probably been drinking and clubbing for a few years now.

20 years old, it's not such a big step in your life. Nothing really is suppose to change when you turn 20. Turning 20 is more like the end of a phase, I guess.

It is the end of your teen years.

I still remember when I became a teenager, at 12 or 13 years old.

Freshly off the boat from Belgium, it doesn't seem so long ago, 2004/2005.

But when I really think about it, it was like millions of years ago.

Another time, another life. Back when I was in high school, in Madagascar just starting to get my life together.

I remember I thought this is what life was going to be for the next 5 or 8 years.

It all made sense and I wanted it to stay that way, for as long as possible.

Life could only get better from there. The blue skies and shiny days made me sure of it.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

And suddenly it stopped, I had to move. To a new school, a new place, a new country, to a new life.

Life as I knew it was over, I saw all that I've had and all that I was hoping for collapse in front of my eyes. Collapse like a beautiful cards castle that your cat accidentally bumped into.

And boom, all gone. Right before you could take a picture of it, so your mind will remember it but your reason will always make you doubt yourself. Did it really exist or was I just dreaming.

14 years old Mozambique, a new school, a new place, a new country, a new life.

It was so different. I tried to stay who I was but slowly I lost the idea of who I was, I lost the idea of who I wanted to be, who I should be.

If you can't change the things around you,. Change yourself.

So I repressed all of my teenager's feelings, for a little while, for a few years.

Life was livable, life was okay, life became kind of good.

There was good, even great moments, but life in general was only kind of good. So I settled for that.

I tricked my mind into thinking that was true happiness. That this is how life was going to be and that I was fine with it. But I wasn't.

I was dreaming and hoping for something more.

Freud said that unexpressed emotions never dies, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.

And they came back, those teenager's feelings that I've tried so hard to repressed.

They came back in uglier ways, slowly but surely punching me in the face, one after the other.

And I did what could be consider as mistakes, but I have learn so much from them that I am glad I did a few more and I am still doing them, cause life is about what you experience.

To be completely honest, it is the things that could have been a mistake that I didn't do that I regret the most. Cause I will never know if they were really mistakes.

2010, graduated from high school I was ready to live life, my mind was hungry for adventures.

But I had to put my life on hold, for a little while. I had to press the pause button and keep all of my feelings trapped inside of my body. All imprison in me, waiting to be free.

So when the time arrived to let them run freely, my cage just exploded.

They were all over the place, I was all over the place. But I was so happy.

2011, Rhodes University South Africa.

A new place, a new country, a new life. And what a place, what a country, what a life.

It is true, I had no intention in living there and I had no intention of loving it.

But I did, a damn the ride I had. This was the life my mind was waiting for.

I didn't know it before but I had been waiting for South Africa for a very long time.

And when it happened it wasn't all perfect but man it was so close to what I had always wanted that demanding perfection just seemed a bit silly.

More happiness than tears, more friends than enemies, a lot of love, a few heartaches, just how life is suppose to be at that age.

Life was so good all I could do was tilt my head back and laugh at the sky.

Not only life was better, but so was I. Not the kind of better than you can see or measure, just something that only I could feel deep in my bones.

And when I came back home for the holidays I could really feel it, the difference inside.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. And yes it felt good.

And suddenly it was there again. Bad luck, hitting my life like a big pizza pie and trust me it wasn't love.

I can still see Life and Bad Luck laughing while I was being sucked in by a black hole.

And right before I let myself be trapped by insanity I remembered something, 'Tough times don't last but tough people do, fuck your past but don't let it fucks you' (Monastry's bathroom).

So I did the only thing I could do, I pressed pause on my life again and waited for better days.

But this time I didn't imprison my feelings, I spit them on a page of an old notebook and got rid of them forever. (almost)

And for those few months I was fine (barely), gladly numb.

Now I am in a small city of Eastern Germany, where I would have never imagine myself to be in a million years.

Trying to make this place my home and trying hard to get use to the weather.

20 years old minus one day, freshly off of the boat (again), weird, annoying, sometimes doing things I shouldn't, raising my hypothetical glass of wine to new beginnings and the possibilities they bring.

Actually if I have to be totally honest, I could use another few years of acting like a teenager … :)

"I'm turning into someone that I never thought I'd have to be again."

I don't like admitting, showing

The feelings I have inside, the darkness, loneliness that I feel inside.

It's new, it's beautiful, it's a great adventure.

And the more I can repeat this, the more I can try to convince myself.

Convince myself that I am fine, that I am happy. That I don't need anyone.

Because like they said it many times, I am a party on my own.

I don't need anyone, anything. Just me.

Just me, my free crazy mind and beer.

That's what they think, that's what they see.

So why change, change their mind.

Why tell them that behind my smiles there's loneliness.

That behind my screams there are tears.

That behind every pictures, every facebook status, every tweet there is a person that is hurt inside.

I try to hide that I am alone, that I am not a fine on my own.

I am not the life of the party, I party to forget that I have nothing really live for, nothing real.

I decided to make my life as superficial as it can be,

Superficial because real life is too complicated.

Too hurtful

Too lonely

Too hard

Too r.e.a.l

And the truth is I can't handle it, I can't even face it.

I don't know who I am, what I am or what to do.

But for you I will always but on a mask.

Put on a smile. You will look at me but not really see who I am.

Because if I keep repeating that I am fine.

If you keep on seeing that I am fine.

For a second, I become the person that I pretend to be.

For a few second, I become the person that you see.

And for those seconds everything is fine and I feel, for a few seconds, that I can be truly happy.

So you're tired of living and you feel like you might give in
well don't it's not your time ... don't take your life because it's all that you've got 

- Fuck buying flowers for graves. -

This song ->  Youtube: "I guarantee that you'll wake up in a better place in a better time." 

The music stops I want to rescue want to scream out loud

There's always a time in your life when you get so upset and kind of tired that for a few seconds you just want to be numb.

For a few minutes you just want, no you need to be numb. To feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Think about something sweet, something you love, something you hate, hear an emo song and feel nothing, nada, niet. Just hear those words that mean nothing but mean so much because those feelings you felt them once, long ago. But you don't know if you want to feel them again.

You're not sure if you even can. Because you felt so much, at some point, for so many people, for someone. But now it's all gone.

They're all gone.

And you feel empty, you feel hurt, and you just want to feel numb, to feel nothing.

Because maybe feeling nothing for just a few hours can make you feel better.

And I'll admit that sometime I hope, I dream that it will all end.

That at some point they will all be back.

That I will feel all that I've once felt for some many people, for someone.

That one day I won't even dare thinking about being numb because I will feel so much that nothing in the world could stop me from feeling this amazing.

But suddenly, I wake up. Suddenly I am back in my chair, back my cold chair, back in my cold chair in my lonely room.

And suddenly all this happiness seems so far, too beautiful, too unreal. Like from another world, like from a place I will never visit again.

And suddenly the pain is back, so real, so strong. And I don't want to think about it anymore.

All I want is to drink the sweet poison that is alcohol and forget where I am, forget who I am and just let the darkness that surrounds us swallow me entirely.

Because I simply don't want to feel anymore.

Because for a few minutes you just want, no you just need to be numb. To feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Ballerina by Leona Naess > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cje58i9-DfE