Wednesday, January 6, 2016

The traditional New Year post (late as usual, because life is too exciting to be on time) ^^

Every year I write a New Year post as a way to reflect on my year, and how things may or may have not changed.
This post is in no way a New Year’s resolutions post. I don't do those anymore because I don't think change happens based on calendar days. I, personally believe change to be a long, grueling process (but, hey, that's just me)!
I wrote one in 2013 and 2014 but for some reason I skipped 2015, so I have to make this year’s post a little longer (maybe).


Art by Chiara Bautista


So here goes the condensed version of what has marked my 2015:

1. Anger, I didn’t not start the year being angry from the 1st of January nor was I angry all year long neither. But to understand how this year ‘went down’ I have to explain this dark period. I spent most of the month of January at home with plenty of time to be bored but also time to get informed on the situation of Black people nowadays and how this had an effect in my life. Which brought up a whole bunch of unmonitored, unwanted, unexpressed anger that had just sat on my heart for a while. You see, growing up black in a place where the lighter you were the better you were was the norm, I developed many (unexpressed) frustrations about my skin, my hair, my nose and pretty much the way I looked. Sigmund Freud said “unexpressed emotions will never die, they are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”; and when mine came out it was indeed ugly. One day when I was slightly inebriated I lashed out at a friend of mine. The reason? The said friend, I may or may not have had a secret-crush on at the time, made a comment about hair (about hair in general, but hair used to be quite a sensitive topic) that just brought me back to all those thoughts & emotions of my childhood that angered me. The poor kid was completely innocent and confused on why I went from all smiley and jolly to breathing fire. God knows I have heard an incalculable amount of stereotypical comments about black people, especially being the only black person in my group of friend most of my life. But my reaction was completely uncalled for and the next morning I felt absolutely foolish and ashamed. Which brought me to really question the way I see myself, present myself and deal with my emotions.

2. Being black, this part is directly related to the previous one. I had to accept who I was, how I looked, how I felt the struggle and stereotypes that came with it but also the good things, the things that made me special. I have to understand that to reaffirm who I was I didn’t need to live up to some idea of what “black” was, my identity was not based on this. I kept repeating myself, “your skin is chocolate, your hair are anti-gravitational you are weird, you’re a paradox, your uniqueness will be your strength.” It seems like I had adopted the right mind-set all I have to do is to start taking action towards becoming the best version of myself. Which brings us to...

3. No excuses, no this is not a motivational quote I stole from some Fitness magazine. It was actually said by a friend of mine. She was talking to my brother and from the small part I could grasp from their conversation (sitting on the opposite side of the table), she said: “Anais always finds excuses…” She wasn't actually talking about my life but when I woke the next day it hit me like a ton of bricks: I do always make excuses. Even with little things, I made excuses for my life and I was holding myself back. You know how sometimes you don’t realise something until you realise it, and then that’s all you can think about? Well that’s what happened; and I learned that I needed to put an end to the excuses, because the things that happened to us may make it harder for us to reach our goals, but shouldn’t stop us from achieving greatness. (Oh yes, I’m on a roll, brace yourselves! Cheesy motivational quotes are starting to spill out).

4. Life experiences; In 2015, I decided that rather than just focusing on the pile of confusion that it is to study at the university level, I would start actively cultivating some life experience. Everybody knows that nowadays networking is everything. Actually it all started in 2014 after my Internship, my hope of working in Event Management begun to feel closer than before. But in 2015 I was relentlessly screaming “How high?” every time an opportunity told me to jump! And it felt so amazing to be up in the air whenever I made the jump. The reasons why I wrote “life experiences” and not “CV building” is because when I initially commenced to volunteer to join Organization teams (quick shout out to AIESEC) or signing up for job fairs I never guessed for a second how it would affect me. I thought I was just going to upgrade my CV turns out I upgraded myself too!


Pretty much.
5. Appreciation; We sometimes forget how unique and magical we are, especially when life gets difficult and frustrating. We are hard on ourselves and feel responsible for things in our lives that were probably not up to our control. I mean even Beyonce doesn’t feel like Beyonce every day, fortunately for her she has millions of fans worldwide and millions of albums sold to remind her that she is, indeed, the Queen Bey. For the rest of us it is not that easy. In society one’s value is often calculated according to you grades, whether or not you are in a long term relationship, job “quality”, amount of money in the bank, how much you resemble Kate Upton & J-Lo simultaneously… We are rarely applauded for our smaller everyday successes. But when I was attending fairs& conferences to ameliorate my CV I was also faced with a huge wave of recognition and affection. Turns out cheering people up, being communicative, open minded, always being helpful and in a good mood are things that make you a better person (take that materialistic world!). And it truly feels amazing to have people remind you every day that you are a marvelous combination of millions of cells and your simple existence is not only special but necessary. Your presence is making someone’s day better and reciprocally making the world better, a freaking ripple effect! J And that, my friends, is one of the best feelings in the world.

6. Giving back; and I don’t mean in a philanthropic way, I’m not there yet. What I mean is giving back some of that warm and fuzzy feeling I mentioned above and make people feel good about themselves. I’m one of these people who, no matter how insanely crazy I look (yes insanely crazy), I will always walk up to someone and compliment them about something about them I like. It doesn’t really matter who the other person is, on days I feel like it I will walk up to them and say how their hair, outfit, dance moves, or whatever are great. I don’t expect anything in return, I give my compliment and walk away. Sometimes I get weird stares, sometimes I get a big smile and a thank you or a hug, other times I get a friend. To be completely honest my dream job would be something where I could spend the day making people feel better about themselves, which would truly be the best thing in the world. I wrote in 2014 that one of my goals was to “Find a passion”, well that is my passion (creating events is not too far on the “making people happy” spectrum so yeah).
Just remember, Compliments save lives!

7. Wrong and Right; We tend to only see the world in black or white, either we are good person and do the right things or we are a bad person and do the wrong things. This year I learn that even someone with the best intentions can do bad things and that sometimes it is not the end of the world. What if you do something wrong, but you don’t hurt anyone and you actually learn from it, is it still considered as something wrong? Personally I think not, there is a grey area and sometimes it is okay to cross that line. Like the lovely Derek Sheperd (Mc Dreamy) said “I’m a human being. I make mistakes, I am flawed. We all are.” And he was right (another great life lesson from Shonda!), let’s not be so hard on ourselves, sometimes even good people do the wrong things and that is alright too.

8. Late/different bloomers; As a person raised in a typical African family and having a French education there is a lot of pressured put into respecting the order of things; and for African households it goes a little bit like this: graduating from high school, getting a bachelor degree, making a master (PhD is optional) and getting a “good job”. So naturally I was feeling frustrated and slightly like a failure at the idea of not yet being university graduate at the age of 23. Most of the people my age that I know graduated from their second degrees, from Master or already have a job… But it is important to realise and accept that not everyone has the same future and not everyone wants to. Some flowers bloom at night and others bloom in winter, it doesn’t make them any less beautiful. So yes, I am 23 and still living that struggle of being a student, and it’s okay. We all go at our own pace.

9. Evolution; often when looking at our lives we feel like we haven’t achieved anything at all in the year. We may not even be closed to where we want to be in life, and because that goal may seem so far away we fail to see how far we have come. So yes, I haven’t even graduated but I have other things going on for me. 2015 was a process, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve learned (a bit) and I’ve (kinda) grown. But, much like this article, I am weird and unfinished. Each year isn't the first page of 365 (this year 366) pages' book. Your life doesn't reset at midnight - at best it's a new chapter. We are in no obligation to finish the year with big meaningful ideas nor are we in any obligation to start the year by making drastic changes in our lives neither. Maybe today you want to take a nap and tomorrow you want to conquer the world and in three days you want to start a good book or movie. That’s okay, take it slow, do the best you can.

All that being said,
Remember to be full of amazingness and let your inner unicorn shine brighter than diamonds
and 
....


Special thank you to Nicole G. for proof reading this because God knows the typo-Queen that I am wouldn't have made this article look so nice. You can also check out her blog here ---> Yours Truly 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

23 Things Everyone Should Stop Feeling Ashamed Of


    The simplest definition I could have of our society is this saying: “Be yourself — no, not like this.” Because even though we are told to “let go and be free” this is not really how society sees it. As one deviant little person I know I have been faced many, many times with people saying things such as “This is not how you do things”; “there is a reason why it has always been like this it is because it works” or “What will people say.” Well personally I could not give a rat’s ass about what “people” will say. The only people I care about are my friends and family. Family doesn’t always have to know, and for my friends I will use my favourite quote by the genius Dr.Seuss “Say what you want and be who you are, because those who matter don’t mind, and those who matter don’t mind.” So here it goes, another list of things that should be obvious but really aren’t.



    1. Not liking going out. Okay so you’re what is commonly called a book worm, and your idea of a great wine is somewhere between being alone with tea& your favourite book or you + a few very close friends drinking wine. That’s cool too. Plus with this hipster trend, book worms are totally in.

    2. Being a party animal. By the time you get to 2nd year of University a lot of people are giving the speech of how they’re now “grown ups” and they do not have time anymore for childish things such as going clubbing & getting white girl wasted. But you’re 24 years old and you still like partying (hard).  You do what you have to do, fulfill all your commitments and if after that just want to get down to the new hit of the summer, Go you! Like Homer Simpson said, “Never too old to ROCK!”

    3. Being fat or too skinny. It’s 2014 and the definition of beautiful is some curves with a tight body for girls & for boys muscles galore. But Ryan Gosling, Tyrese, Kim K,  Tyra Banks, Beyonce…ect are NOT generalities. Most “normal” people are considered to have way too many curves or not enough. And they are a standard that is almost unachievable. So not why love who you are, be healthy, and be happy. You’re 1m74 and 80kg or you’re 1m70 and 60kg, if your doctor says you’re healthy don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise YOU ARE ONE BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!

    4. Being a powerful woman. As a powerful woman it is always hard to 1) Get to the highest level of your career and 2) find a man that will accept you as a powerful woman that may make more money than him. Why? I don’t know society sucks. But never ever pretend to be less than what you are to please anyone.

    5. Being a sensitive man. Since the beginning of times, men have been expected to be strong & apparently insensitive. “Emotions? Eww that’s for girls.” But guess what, men do have emotions too, and showing them doesn’t make you any less of a man. If anything it makes you more of a man for accepting & dealing with them.

    6. Not speaking the language of your “ancestors.” This one is something I have been accused of many, many times. I do not speak any African language, I can maybe understand a few words here and there but that’s it. It’s not my fault and it doesn’t make me less of an “African”. I grew up learning one language and I was never really exposed to anything else other than French (and later on English).
    7. Sleeping with a lot of people. Oh the infinite arguments & double standards. We’ve heard them all; about the locker and the key, how the body is a temple…etc. But maybe, just maybe someone that sleeps around does have a lot of respect for him/herself & his/her body (and person). And because of that they want to keep their mind & body healthy by working out and enjoying themselves. If they protect themselves and are not doing it to please anyone else, who are we to judge?!

    8. Wanting to wait for the right person, even if you’re 28 or 34. As much as sleeping around is badly seen, you are also seen as deviant when you “keep it” longer than most people. The average age for losing your virginity is often between the late teens & early 20’s. If you’re still a virgin in your late 20’s it’s a bit weird and in your 30’s people are just sad for you. But why? Sex is a personal decision that concern no one in the world but you. If you’re waiting for something special, that’s okay.

    9. Being a rape survivor or someone who has been abused. You are not a victim! What happened to you isn’t you, what happened to you is part of you but isn’t all that you are. You don’t have to talk about it, but it doesn’t make you less of a human. If anything it makes you stronger and more able to deal with the hardships of life.

    10. Enjoying things that are normally for the opposite gender. “This is a girl’s Tv show.” or “This is something boys like.” We’ve all heard it and probably said it. Because society put it in our heads. You’re a girl and you enjoy scotch, cigars & hockey or you’re a boy and you enjoy art, calligraphy & love stories. This is who you are, be proud!

    11. Being homosexual. Do I even need to explain this? BORN THIS WAY! And even if it was a “choice” to be a homosexual, why do you care who they love? Maybe you don’t like guys that have blonde hair or only like girls with very long hair, nobody is making a law against that. We should just let people love who they want to love, they’re not hurting anyone. And between you & I, there are way too many different kinds of beautiful people to expect everyone to have the same taste as us. LOVE OVER EVERYTHING! :D

    12. Being religious. Often when people think of religion they think about close minded people complaining that everyone else in the world is living in sin because their Bible said so. Some may think it is crazy to believe in “an invisible man in the sky” or to “pray to a tree”. But religion is about so much more than this, it gives people hope, it gives them faith; that things will someday get better. They believe! [To be honest I wish sometimes I was a very strong believer, because I often get jealous of the faith they have, they truly believe that He will make it all good again.]

    13. Being hairy. Yes this had to be covered too. Because we’re getting to a point where not only women but also men feel the need to be hairless. For some reason, this fashion trend is very famous. Modern society hates hair. Even if hair is completely natural and proof of “adulthood”-of physical maturity. Your hair is part of who you are, don’t let any fashion trend (old or new) tell you how you should be groomed-or dress (since we’re on the same topic).

    14. Being HIV positive or having an STD/STI. You are not an idiot. Most of the time all it takes is one mistake, or something that you probably couldn’t have controlled yourself. Again, what happen to you is part of you but isn’t all that you are. You don’t have to talk about it, but it doesn’t make you less of a human. If anything it makes you stronger and more able to deal with the hardships of life.

    15. Telling your friends you’re not able to afford something. Especially in your early 20s, you’re just figuring out life and it is hard- distancing yourself from your parents’ bank account but also not being able to fully survive on your own. And if your friends really are your friends they should understand that you are again saying no to yet another “Thai restaurant night”, because all you can afford is “Cheap wine & pizza night” and that should be okay too.

    16. Not wanting a “good job” and a big career. Modern society wants us to be driven and over-motivated people that want the “best job” with the highest paycheck: the villa on the beach, summer in the Alps and winter in the Bahamas. But some people just want to have a job they love that will pay enough to be economically stable without having to be ostentatious.

    17. Being “too dark” or “too pale.” Black girls using dangerous skin bleachers, Asian girls forever hiding from the sun, White girls desperately trying to be more tanned.  Why are we trying to change the way we look to have Rihanna’s or J-Lo’s skin when it is not a colour naturally achievable for our “race” group. Whether you’re as dark as Naomi Sims or as pale as Ed Sheeran, it doesn’t make you any less beautiful or talented.
    18. Not wanting to get married or have kids. Yes, the “dream” is the mansion with your 2.5 kids, a beautiful person by your side and a dog (or cat) with an original name. But some people really do not want to have kids, I know you say “they say that now, they will grow up and want kids eventually, they will want to get married.” But not everyone has that in mind, it might happen like an unexpected accident, and they’ll end up in a family. I am not saying it is NEVER going to happen, I am saying in is not in everyone’s plans.

    19. Wanting to be a housewife, or househusband (stay-at-home-dad) for that matter. While some can’t imagine their lives with companion + kids others can only imagine that. They’re not trying to reach for that perfect high paying job. All they really want to be in life is a stay-at-home-parent. And that too is an acceptable career choice. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “A stay-at-home-dad.” There is no shame in that. If you can afford it, do it.

    20. Being in an open relationship or unusual relationship (e.g. three people). In modern society there is only one kind of acceptable type of love-relationship and that is a monogamous one. And you hear people saying “0pen relationships never work, why even get into a relationship if it’s to keep seeing other people?” That is a good question, why? Well maybe because you do truly love the person you are in a relationship with but you also know that you want to see other people (or just need to know that you can). No, it has nothing to do with the fact that your significant other isn’t “good enough”.  Maybe it is because you do not want to cheat on the other person that, from the beginning you put your cards on the table. Also it might be hard to believe but some people are capable of separating the emotional from the physical, or even love more than one person at a time. They are not freaks; they are not liars or players. Sometimes this is just who they are.

    21. Listening to audio books instead of just reading them. I know people want to say “but Audiobooks are just not the same, we get so much more from reading ourselves.” or “Audiobooks are for lazy people”. Maybe we should consider that Audiobooks are beneficial to people who have a lot of troubles concentrating but still want to be educated (and do not have 3 free months on their hands to read “The Great Gatsby”).

    22. Having (and maybe enjoying) a job that isn’t “socially approved” — e.g.: Prostitute, stripper, porn star…etc. Since beginnings of times jobs such as Prostituting and Stripping are taboos and represent the worst kind of jobs you could get. “Why would anyone want to take their clothes off for money?” you think. Well, why would anyone do anything for money? Either they have no choice and do really need to get money or they actually enjoy what they’re doing. To quote Quinn from How I met Your Mother “I like being a stripper and I’m good at it”. Don’t be so quick to judge someone as disgusting, sad or a victim of society, especially when you don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing in the first place.

    23. Being in love. Yes, love has been idealised into something perfect and beautiful that everyone desires in life, but like stated before some people don’t. Some people actually pride themselves in being an “Emotionless-person”. They live alone. Have their friends. But never get into serious relationships, because they don’t want to or simply haven’t felt the desire to do so (in the last 24 or 28 years). But suddenly they catch feelings like you would catch the flu and there’s nothing they can do about it. There’s no remedy for this one. And even though emotions & Love may seem like something that is for “weak & sensitive” people. There is no shame in having feelings. “Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is terrifying and confusing.” LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!




    Originally posted on ThoughCatalog "23 Things everyone should stop feeling ashamed of" on April 25, 2014.
BuzzFeed : 30 Things to stop doing to yourself by Marc and Angel

And because music says it best:

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The traditional New Year post (a bit late this time) .

"Some are born mad. Some remain it." Samuel Beckett
So what can i say about this year unless that it was another average year with surprising and amazing moments . Or a surprising amazing year with average/boring moments, glass half full or glass half empty?!
Oh well who cares, as long as i have a glass in my hand and friends around me. right!

2013 ey, loads of things have changed during that year, i will not get into too many details.. A lot has changed but i haven't really, well i did but bleh.
I know I've come a long way already, but life is an ongoing process. And we're never really done evolving.
So here goes, Things for 2014 [things i think i & humans in general should do.]

- Get my shit together, starting with cleaning my messy messy room! 
 - Put yourself first sometimes. You know sometimes you live your life as a dusty potato until someone (or a book/movie/song) says something that makes you understand that you're worth it. And that you too should be treated like a nice shiny apple. (Yes a shitty food analogy, deal with it, it's 2014!) 
- Get an cool internship before 2015!
- Eat more types of food, seems dumb but that's really something. Like taste that weird looking unpronounceable asian dish! And taste more unusual food (i hear fried worms are super tasty!) 
- Go back to the Motherland! #nuffsaid
- Meeting interesting people. I love having unusual friends, more than that i love having friends who seem very normal until you get to know them. Those are the one with the interesting (sometimes fabulous) stories. 
- Travelling. So this year alone i went to Prague, Amsterdam, France (Paris) and Spain (Girona). That was a first of all four. I only spent a day in Prague but for the other three i had an amazing time & met some petty cool people. I seriously need more of that! (I'm thinking maybe an Italy Tour for next time..) 
- To follow the previous statement, i should seriously start getting active on CouchSurfing. That shit is great! I spent my New Year's celebration in a camp in the middle of the forest outside Girona in Spain. It was a CS event with people from everywhere who have been everywhere. Most of them were 10 or 20 years older than me but i seriously couldn't feel the age difference. See their years of adventures and interaction with new cultures & people made them forever young at heart. They are free, loving, caring, open minded like no other. [That's a way of life!] 
- Get a proper job so i can travel more & go to tons of festivals! (Woodstock in Poland, anyone? ) 
- (I've given up a while back telling myself to diet. Food taste too good, fuck you Cosmo & Vogue. I'm chubby and [kinda] fabulous!)
 - Find a purpose. A passion, something that makes me wake up in the morning and stay awake at night. Something that is stronger than the rest.
- No judging, just loving (this one speaks for itself).
- Actually actively try to learn German. Yes it ia hell, but it would be nice for once to answer something else than "Ich spreche kein Deutsch, sorry." I mean how amazing is this word " Schwangerschaftverhütungsmittel" right! (-_-") [also some Germans are quite cute so that!]
- Improve my Spanish, that language is muy sexy!
- Do not be afraid of the world, it is full of possibilities that are just waiting to be taken.
- Enjoy every moment.That moment when you're walking at the beginning of the summer and a beautiful song plays. The sun is heating your face, the boys are are wearing colourful tshirts, life is just amazing!
- Appreciate the little things, like a warm shower to start or end the day. 
- Do something most people (or you) think you cannot do. Choose one and give it my best or at least try, hard!
- Do more cultural things. This one has been on my list for a while. Even tho i know random things abt random things, i have never read "To kill a Mocking Bird" or anything by Edgar A. Poe or Jean Paul Sartre or seen any Hitchcock movie. 
- Not judge a book by its cover. Just because people are beautiful, smart, outgoing and nice doesn't mean that their life is always completely perfect. There is no reason to be jealous or wish them some of your current bad lucks. A good friend of mine once said "There is no need to be jealous,cause in the end it only depend on you to make a difference."
- Learn to cook yummy things, like a strawberry pie!  
- Get more wine-knowledge. Cause it's nice being fancy :) And because while in France I was completely lost when it came to which wine to buy. Cabernet Sauvignon? Chardonney? [all i know is Shiraz is a big NO!]
- Re-connect with an old great friend.
- Be loved, Share love, Make love.
May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. 
And may you be in heaven half an hour before 
the devil knows you're dead ! [ Irish proverb.]

[And may the odds be ever be in our favor.]

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I used to love you ... (too many feelings and not enough words)




I used to love you,
I used to love you so much .
I did, I truly did, once upon a time.
When the thought of you made me shiver
When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.
When seeing your face, your smile didn't just give me butterflies but I could feel a whole tribe bagging on jungle drums.
I could smell you, as soon as you walk in a room.
I could smell you, on the clothes of my friend you hugged this morning.
On my clothes, frankly I could smell you everywhere.
You were my sweetest obsession.
And it made me happy, you made me happy.
You weren't truly mine, but you weren't anyone else' either.
I saw hope in your eyes, I saw hope in your smiles, I felt love in the way you use to hold my hand.
I wanted to believe that it was true.
That the sun was shinning this morning only because of you.
Every word you mispronounced made me want you a little more.
I don't like admitting it but I secretly loved when our friends called you “mine” because we were indeed so amazing next to each other (together).
I liked you so much it could have hurt so bad but it just felt so great.
I like you so much I didn't want to admit it, not to you, not to anyone, not even to me.
I was afraid that saying it out loud would just kill the dream.
I was afraid that saying it out loud would force you to give me an answer, and what if you didn't feel the same way ?
What if you didn't want me?
What if you disliked me?
Those were thoughts I couldn't even bare to think of, so I stayed quiet.
Quiet and happily drugged by my feelings for you. Making sure hope was still there.
And suddenly, it stopped.
The dream in my head, the high of love, the hope in your eyes/your smiles. All gone!
Some people still called you mine, refusing to believe that our unbegun story was already over.
But we all knew that you were gone, you left my life ( but not my dreams).
So I sat down in the rain and look at you, hurting, crying, bleeding.
Hurting as your hand held someone else's.
Crying as your arms wrap themselves around someone else, making sure your sent gets into her skin.
Bleeding as you looked and smiled at someone else, knowing that once upon a time those were for me and only me.
So I tried to forget you. I tried to forget your smell, your smile, your eyes, your face. I tried to forget you ever existed.
I put my heart on hold, told it to go on holidays. That I didn't need to feel anymore because feeling is hurting. And I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.
And after a while I tried to get back on track, I put my heart on IV, and decided that life was too beautiful to let feelings ruin it.
But life wasn't beautiful, I tried to drive forward, reach the finish line and but the road was slippery, dangerous and I drove off a cliff.
As I was falling, you came back to me.
You came back to me, a little.
I wasn't sure if it was real but it felt so good that I convinced myself it was.
I was wandering into darkness, wandering into emptiness.
And the thought of you possibly being at the end of the tunnel was the only thing keeping me going.
So I held on, held on to the dream, held on to the hope, held on to you.
But at the end of the tunnel you weren't who I expected you to be.
You weren't who you made me believe you would be.
Who I made myself believed you would be.
I just wanted to pour myself into you.
But you were so cold, so distant, so unavailable.
I was expecting the sun, but I was so wrong.
I came out the tunnel walking straight to a Fortress of Solitude.
I was alone and confused. But you were there, looking at me.
I looked into your eyes and I remembered how happy you made me feel.
I looked into your eyes and I remembered how much I used to like (love) you.
I looked into your eyes and I remembered your smell, your smiles, all those quirks that made you perfect for me.
So I held on to you. I held on tight.
Because someone who once made me feel so complete couldn't be so bad.
Because beside all the pain and the tears, the thought of you still made me smile.
Because I still smelled you in some places, and your name still made my heart skip a beat.
So I tried, I tried to be yours again. I tried to be yours for the very first time.
Your voice in my head got me flying so high, that when I started crashing again it took me a while to realise.
I fell and crashed, but this time it didn't hurt.
Not anymore or at least not as much.
I didn't care. I didn't care about you anymore.
I am still not free from you, and maybe I will never be.
Because once you've felt something this strong it never truly goes away.
It stays like a small scar on your knee, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

I used to love you,
I used to love you so much .
I did I truly did, once upon a time.
When the thought of you made me shiver
When hearing your name made my heart skip a beat.
But now I don't anymore or I can't.
I feel something, but it is so irregular, so unknown, so not understandable, 
that I don't know if it should count as something.
If there is something I don't know if I can (want) to go down that road again.
All I know is that I once felt so much for you that I don't know if there is anything left for me to feel.
I think I ran out of love for you.
But then again, my heart still skips a beat … sometimes. 




Saturday, April 20, 2013

50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University.


I know College Bucket List have be done over and over again. But guess what not everyone has the goals (or priorities). And Bucket List are extremely fun to do, even you should try ! So this is my College Bucket List, 50 Things to do before the end of your Undergrad years at University (academic or not). Since I'm a freshmen again I thought now would be a good time. And for those of you who are almost (already) done I hope you have done at least half of those things. I mean come on University is suppose to be the best years of your life, live a little. Make them count ! :)
No, not everything on the list is something that I plan to do but it should [totally] be considered. ;)




  1. Say Yes to new places. Just for the experience but without putting our lives in danger.

  2. Do something crazy - Carpeing the fuck out of the Diem- . Flash your boobs, run naked,paint half of your body green, paint your whole body in green, have a threesome. You know just for the fun of it.

  3. Go out on a week night and make it to class the next morning at 8am.

  4. Get drunk before class. I mean only before a boring class and make sure you can get the course online … Or just do it whenever.

  5. Go to a class that has nothing to do with your degree. You know just to see what it's all about, you're a Ecos Major go to a Sociology or Politics class.

  6. Try to hang out with someone that you would normally not hang out with. You know, open your mind to something that is just not you. “He is cute but you're normally not into asian guys”. Or "this chick is really cool but she never goes out I can't be her friend." YES YOU CAN! Get out there, who knows what can happen. 

  7. Go “party like a white girl” ! Yeah you have to do that at least once. Just go out, dance on tables/bars, have crazy fun, do something stupid and don't worry about what anybody thinks because it's just you and your people having the night of your life (this may include a lot of alcohol.)

  8. Participate in a Flash Mob, a strike or a Protest (everything!). Even if you're shy and stuff. Just to stand together with other people can make you feel so alive. :)

  9. Try to have a first (above 85%) in as many of your classes as you can. Okay You.Only.Live.Once and partying is fun, but as far as I'm concern Drake has a banging career and tons of money. Don't let the “YOLO” life make you end up in the gutter!

  10. Go to a theme party & participate. Not just “Black and White Party” but something wild like a ABC Party. Just for the fun of being dressed up and stupid ! Hell Yeah !

  11. Visit your University (the city where your University) at least once. I'm not talking about the stupid tour they give during Orientation Week (even if it's very useful), but have a tour on your own. Go to the gym, have a little picnic in that small park, have a nap on the grass next to that weird status...

  12. Sleep under the stars, go Camping. According to the Green people, the pollution is slowly making it harder for us to see the stars. Seriously, maybe in 20 years star gazing won't be something you would be able to do.

  13. Spur of the moment Road trip !

  14. Study Abroad. You cannot truly know who you are until you have been completely taken out of what you've always known, out of your comfort zone.
  1. Learn a new language. It's the 21st century, seriously if you don't speak 2 or 3 languages you should second guess your life decisions.

  2. Hook Up in the library (or a classroom). WHY NOT ?!

  3. Try to read at least a book every 4 months just for you. Yes yes the lecturers already give you so much readings to do but reading for pleasure is cool. Or you can just be lazy and get the recording of the book. :) 

  4. Skinny Dipping. We are young and stupid, enough said.

  5. Try a food you cannot pronounce and would never normally eat. Again just for the experience.

  6. Give back to the community. Do I even need to explain why you need to do some charity work !

  7. Learn to drive a (manual ) car. On day it will be useful, you'll see.

  8. Donate blood. Make sure you weren't binge drinking the night before though, “OMG they found blood in my alcohol system!” 

  9. Learn to play at least on song on an instrument. Music <3

  10. Make a youtube video or create a blog (or both). It's the 21st century, everyone has one of those.

  11. Beer pong tournament !

  12. Get published or inspire someone (or both). No everyone can write. Or just have your picture published in the papers if you're very lazy. :P

  13. Master in baking or cooking at least one thing (that isn't too easy to do). Guy or girl you need to have that one meal that people are like “Huum wish XXX was here to cook this”.

  14. Go lay on the grass on a sunny & beautiful afternoon and just take time to notice how beautiful life is. After that you have to manage somehow to stand up and make it to your next class.

  15. Go wine tasting (or beer/whisky tasting). If you don't drink go taste chocolate, that's good too! :P

  16. Learn a few fun drinking games.. (Flanky Ball, Kings, Pyramids...)

  17. Discover your inner talent. Werther it is painting, drawing, singing, acting, playing an instrument, dancing, sports, become a Dj even. Anything .. 

  18. Drink with a professor. If you're lucky enough to have a cool lecturer enjoy ! :)

  19. Go to a field party. There's nothing like an open air party, and I just want to add that falling on the grass hurts less than falling on the cold hard ground.

  20. Go to a school event, get involved ! It's YOUR school after all !

  21. Go to a live music show. Acoustic music YEAH !

  22. Go watch slam poetry, a public reading or a theatre piece. Not it's not only for hipsters, nerds and hippies. A lil a bit of cultural things never hurt anyone.

  23. Fall in love. I've seen that in movies, seems cool.

  24. Body shots ! YEAH !

  25. If you live in a small town, go to all the clubs/restaurant at least once. How can you really know which one is your favourite if you keep on going to the same ones. You have three years. :)

  26. Go watch a sporting event. Sexy Rugby Boys ! :)

  27. Take part in a sporting event. Even just a fun run for charity.

  28. Pull an all nighter. Okay there's no way in hell you can survive 3 years (or more) in University without spending at least one night (or a few) without sleeping.

  29. Join a student society. You meet new people, it's good for your future. And between you & me student society are mostly about hanging out & parties.. ;)

  30. Make a dramatic change in your hairstyle. Soon you'll have to go look for a job and you won't be able to have red or blue highlights, might as well do it now!

  31. Dress up for class. Nothing not to extravagant. :)

  32. Take part in “ … Day”. Suit-Up Day. Write love on your arm day. Hug Someone wearing red day.

  33. Raise your hand to answer a question or tell your opinion in a very full lecture. You have a voice, use it damn it ! :P

  34. Wear a shirt with a message. Write LIFE on your shirt and hand out lemons ! :D

  35. Makes friends for life, have the greatest memories.

  36. Finish university without getting pregnant or without even getting a STD.





    [Bonus] 51. GRADUATE ! :D :D















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